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Sunday, January 7th, 2007

Subject:Myspace
Time:11:36 am.
Mood: content.
This is my last post to LiveJournal, as I've found that I like Myspace far better.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, December 12th, 2006

Subject:Water
Time:3:19 am.
Mood: contemplative.
I posted a conversation earlier, thinking that it said everything about me.

I followed a wild hare and decided to read ash1ar's Memories.

Then I read 5 or 6 of his most recent posts.

I'm arrogant.

I stick my nose where it doesn't belong.

I think I know what I'm talking about.

I'm melodramatic.

I'm judgmental.

I talk too much.

I don't listen enough.

I'm co-dependent.

I'm clueless.

I'm stingy.

I don't play well with others.

I'm full of myself.

I think I know people.

I lack humility.

I write this for others, rather than for myself.

I'm a coward.

I'm gassy.

I'm vain.

I'm mean.

I'm vindictive.

I'm spiteful.

I worry altogether too much about what others may or may not think of me.

I place too much of my self-worth on what others think of me.

I assume.

I play games.

I don't know the depth of my own ignorance.

I abandon my friends.

I don't hold myself accountable.

I don't take responsibility for my own decisions, actions, reactions, thoughts, words or lack thereof.

I allow my emotions to rule me.

I don't "stick to my guns".

I'm selfish.

I lack compassion.

I'm childish.

I make excuses.

I'm petty.

I'm resentful.

I'm impatient.

I'm the jealous type.

I'm a hypocrite.

I'm confrontational.

I lie to myself and others.

I'm lazy.

I throw temper tantrums.

I'm good at finding fault in others, but not so good at finding fault in myself.

I cheat.

I read things I have no business reading.

I'm manipulative.

I whine.

I'm obsessive.

I'm suspicious.

I trap myself.

I expect more from others than I do from myself.

I overeat.

I'm stubborn.

I exaggerate.

I often don't fully comprehend the import of my own words and deeds.

I'm rigid.

I abandon myself when confronted.

I don't take care of my daughter as well as she deserves.

I blame.

I portray myself as something that I am not.

I'm all the things I loathe in others.

I'm finished until I think of others.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, December 11th, 2006

Subject:Life is cheese
Time:11:51 pm.
Mood:fantastic!.
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:24:36 PM): hi
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:24:46 PM): i went to the pagan meeting tonight
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:24:54 PM): how did it go?
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:24:57 PM): the facilitator did not show up
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:25:06 PM): what does that mean?
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:25:16 PM): so i exchanged e mail add with the ones that did
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:25:25 PM): ok
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:25:31 PM): the guy that is trying to put together the group
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:25:36 PM): facilitator
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:25:53 PM): how are u doing this eve
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:25:59 PM): fine. you?
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:26:26 PM): i just realized something
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:26:44 PM): good i am feeling much better this evening
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:26:49 PM): what was that
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:28:25 PM): when i met jamie i was doing my level best to live my life by conversations with god. he scoffed, he denied it's worth, basically everything he said and did "beat it out of me". so i went back to "codependent living". i realized that the past 3 years of me being neurotic have been needed so HE would realize that the way i was trying to live when i met him is VALID
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:28:59 PM): interesting?
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:29:13 PM): there are lots of implications in that statment.
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:29:38 PM): like is he going to let go enough for you to live in that kind of paridigm again?
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:29:46 PM): could be
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:30:28 PM): *snort* at least as far as dealing with him is concerned. he's going to have a rude awakening if he expects me to drop my expectations of him, but he doesn't drop his of me.
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:30:52 PM): this is true
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:31:00 PM): are u finding ur power?
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:31:51 PM): i think so. i hope so. i'm worried that this is just another struggle for power on my part.
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:32:20 PM): "a manipulation to get what i want"
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:32:43 PM): it is so hard to let go of the ever lasting strugle i had a dream last night that i was fighting my mischivious side
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:32:53 PM): oh fun
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:33:14 PM): i was thinking about this in meditation today and realizing that fear is not real ego is not real
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:33:39 PM): i surrender power over to the ego and the more i realize there is nothing wrong there is nothing wrong
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:34:08 PM): i am finding more freedom than i ever expected to find but how do i want to use that freedom really?
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:34:20 PM): and what do you want
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:34:21 PM): that's the question
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:34:39 PM): i CHOOSE freedom and peace
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:34:48 PM): okay
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:35:18 PM): i wonder if there really is a task in this life or a contract some times
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:35:38 PM): i think i am being co dependant when i think i can help people with the sweat ??
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:35:56 PM): i really believe that our only 'contract' is to live our lives as our fullest expression and experience of god
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:36:19 PM): i wonder if i am just playing super hero still
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:36:19 PM): no, it's a proven fact that the sweat CAN help
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:37:00 PM): i will continue to work with the sweat for what it has done for me and others can join me but what am i really up to?
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:37:11 PM): what are you up to?
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:37:32 PM): can u not see the red s on my shirts?
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:37:39 PM): lol
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:38:03 PM): i am going to get rid of all the kryptonite on the planet
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:38:09 PM): what's wrong with helping people help themselves?
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:38:42 PM): not that there is any thing wrong with it but am i being totally honest with my intent?
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:38:54 PM): i don't know
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:39:05 PM): u do tooo tell me true
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:39:10 PM): why are you asking me? i'm not in your head
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:39:15 PM): tell me i am not lying to my self
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:39:19 PM): yes u are
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:39:39 PM): there really is only one of us
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:39:43 PM): fine, you're lying to yourself. you're only doing this to gain money, power and women.
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:39:52 PM): hehe
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:39:56 PM): u caught me
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:40:18 PM): and gerbils. you want gerbils for some odd reason.
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:40:39 PM): and sour cream. you're doing this for sour cream and gerbils.
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:40:45 PM): i have no money no power and no woman so the girbles will not even play with me
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:40:53 PM): lol
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:41:31 PM): i know i am coming to a place of understanding and i feel good about this i am just not sure what to do with this
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:41:39 PM): i want the instruction manual
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:41:49 PM): and i am not sure it has been written
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:41:50 PM): why do you have to 'do' anything with it?
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:42:31 PM): it is the same as the story about a man having talents and burying them and another man using his to gain more
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:43:10 PM): the man that buried his talents became depressed and the man that used them gained favor witht he obtuse bitch
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:43:12 PM): you might be living in the 'have/do/be' paradigm
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:43:22 PM): lol
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:43:54 PM): 'i have a sweat lodge, so i can do sweats, so i can be at peace/have freedom/etc'
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:44:05 PM): instead of be/do/have
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:44:18 PM): it is a matter of steping out of all the boxs and letting go of all the old paridigms to observe where this is all going
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:44:39 PM): 'i am at peace/have freedom/etc, so i can do sweats and have a sweat lodge'
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:44:53 PM): okay
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:45:44 PM): there's no 'gaining favor' with the obtuse bitch. there's no favor to gain, because it was never lost.
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:45:51 PM): lol
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:46:35 PM): i thought i needed to write a book or some thing but i am just not in the mood
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:46:42 PM): i have got to let that go
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:46:57 PM): you don't have to do anything
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:47:05 PM): i thought i was supposed to be doing arts and crafts and i am not i have to let that go
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:47:22 PM): i thought i was supposed to do music and i have to let that go
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:47:33 PM): YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:47:52 PM): i seem to have been doing very little and i thought there was some thing wrong with me cause i am not and i have to let that go.
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:48:32 PM): "i thought i was supposed to piss in the toilet but i have to let that go" sure, you could. but then what would happen? you'd be running around with wet pants.
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:49:04 PM): it is like i told you one day about hanging onto the illusion after the glass has shattered trying to hang onto the broken pieces
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:49:19 PM): in the letting go is how i feel better
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:49:33 PM): fine, then let go. but you don't HAVE to
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:49:41 PM): i have as of today let go of any expectations of my self
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:50:01 PM): it is in that i have found my freedom
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:50:13 PM): i bet you haven't let go of all expectations
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:50:34 PM): see i am tired of going around in circles about what is and is not in my life or life
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:50:54 PM): there is only one moment only one time only one place this is it
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:51:35 PM): is this the moment you're going to let go of your expectation of yourself using the toilet and instead wet your pants?
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:51:50 PM): funny haha
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:51:59 PM): i have pissed my pants
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:52:02 PM): who says i'm being funny?
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:52:07 PM): you say. i didn't say.
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:52:39 PM): i'm making a point. it's for you to decide what that point means to you.
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:53:08 PM): i know ur and i am greatful i think i am just emptying my cup of all of the noise
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:53:49 PM): you say you pissed your pants. i say now that i bet you're burning because of the natural ammonia in urine. all decisions have consequences.
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:54:06 PM): i was kidding
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:54:11 PM): i'm not.
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:54:35 PM): ever hear the expression "you're cutting off your nose to spite your own face"?
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:54:55 PM): ya u think that is what i am doing?
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:55:17 PM): no. but i think it's possible. as all things are possible.
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:55:37 PM): i think i think to much that is what i think
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:56:04 PM): i think you might be right
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:56:25 PM): but then, what do i know? i know that i don't know what your soul is trying to do.
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:56:30 PM): am i supposed to want?
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:56:43 PM): i am not sure i want to want
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:57:23 PM): am i supposed to have i am not sure i want to have
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:57:31 PM): you're not supposed to do, say, think, or be anything.....unless you CHOOSE to do, say, think or be anything.
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:57:48 PM): hum
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:58:04 PM): so i could just implode ?
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 10:58:19 PM): i'm sure you could find a way if that's what you choose
Lloyd (12/11/2006 10:59:21 PM): it comes down to just being tired of the circle of noise in my head the same old bable if you know what i mean
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:00:17 PM): oh fun, i froze
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:00:28 PM): ?
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:00:33 PM): so you're choosing to be tired
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:00:45 PM): the laptop froze, but it's finished choosing to freeze
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:00:51 PM): oh
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:02:00 PM): pick a new noise
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:02:13 PM): everything's fantastic..........because i choose it to be
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:02:13 PM): okay i think i will
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:02:36 PM): death is fantastic!
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:02:50 PM): okay
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:02:55 PM): world hunger (the whole world really isn't hungry) is fantastic!
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:03:08 PM): destruction is fantastic!
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:03:24 PM): mass genocide is fantastic!
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:03:25 PM): ur right and this is what i am talking about my mind is changing about what i think i see out there
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:03:46 PM): am i?
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:04:17 PM): the me that is u is right
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:04:41 PM): is the you that is me?
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:04:58 PM): right
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:05:33 PM): right is a matter of perspective. it's an opinion you've created based on how you feel about what i said.
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:05:48 PM): are you annoyed yet?
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:05:59 PM): ur the optuse bitch
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:06:03 PM): doesn't matter, because annoyance is fantastic!
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:06:05 PM): lol
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:06:10 PM): yes, yes i am.
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:06:30 PM): i am fantastic!
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:06:47 PM): you think i'm being silly?
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:06:52 PM): no
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:06:52 PM): doesn't matter
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:07:08 PM): nothing matters
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:07:20 PM): i just do not like my thinking chalenged
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:07:20 PM): but it is okay because that is what i need
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:07:26 PM): from the you that is me
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:07:52 PM): am i challenging? or are you challenging?
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:08:25 PM): codependence is fantastic!
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:08:38 PM): it must be ur doing it
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:08:48 PM): there is only you
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:09:04 PM): then u/me are not doing it
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:09:09 PM): so what are we doing?
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:09:13 PM): there is no we
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:09:31 PM): so what are we/I doing
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:09:47 PM): you are talking to yourself. you are saying to yourself exactly what you have chosen you to say
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:10:18 PM): i am running out of responses
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:10:28 PM): you are not
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:10:35 PM):
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:10:37 PM): lol
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:11:10 PM): rape is fantastic!
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:11:19 PM): okay
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:11:28 PM): oh, a reaction
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:11:43 PM): rape must touch a nerve where other fantastic things have not
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:11:52 PM): okay
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:12:02 PM): aha
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:12:19 PM): aha
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:12:33 PM): that's fantastic too!
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:14:16 PM): and now the me that is you is having codependent thoughts such as "have i pissed him off now?" don't answer. that would be enabling the codependence
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:15:21 PM): lol
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:15:53 PM): i was siging a guest book on a web site about ougi boards
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:16:19 PM): doooooooon't explain
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:17:07 PM): life is made of cheese
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:17:13 PM): i like cheese
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:17:22 PM): i like u too
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:17:27 PM): sweet
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:17:32 PM): i like both too
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:18:04 PM): if life is the leading cause of death, and life is cheese, then cheese is the leading cause of death
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:18:27 PM): well i am going to close for now it is time for me to go inside my self and have a conversation with the optuse bitch/bastard (GOD)
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:19:15 PM): okie dokie. though i thought that's what was going on........however, there is merit to the statement "if you don't go within, you go without"
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:19:30 PM): lol
Lloyd (12/11/2006 11:19:38 PM): ciao
redjuly29 (12/11/2006 11:19:43 PM): later gator
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, November 17th, 2006

Subject:it's nice to revisit silly memories
Time:2:15 am.
Mood: good.

What Is Your Battle Cry?

Zang! Who is that, stalking across the tundra! It is Eyes, hands clutching a jeweled meat hammer! And with a vengeful bellow, her voice cometh:

"I'm going to fuck you until you turn magenta, and trade you for a candy bar!!!"

Find out!
Enter username:
Are you a girl, or a guy ?

created by beatings : powered by monkeys

Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, March 7th, 2006

Subject:Love
Time:2:46 am.
zenduck1961: i miss you too, babe. sorry i've been away...between work and keeping this place afloat (of course) but the good news is i've been writing LOTS (page 180, a big chunk in the last few weeks). my goal is to be done by late april.
[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<smoooooch!!!>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

zenduck1961: i miss you too, babe. sorry i've been away...between work and keeping this place afloat (of course) but the good news is i've been writing LOTS (page 180, a big chunk in the last few weeks). my goal is to be done by late april. <smoooooch!!!>
redjuly29: sweet!
redjuly29: guess what!
zenduck1961: ah....lurker!!
zenduck1961: what?
redjuly29: yesh!
redjuly29: beth has been bugging me a lot lately. i love her to death, but i can only take her in small doses.
redjuly29: i have my own world in spiralmatrix!
redjuly29: bugging me in yahoo that is
zenduck1961: most-cool! i'll have to come visit when i have the time (i'm heading to bed in a few...busy day tomorrow) but i'll hang on for a while and swap obcene innuendos
zenduck1961: ah, hense being invisible
redjuly29: yes! *happy dance*
redjuly29: yesh
zenduck1961: <puts on wolf costume>
zenduck1961: ok....let's stop that RIGHT NOW!!! (sorry)
redjuly29: the name of the world is bwritual. bw = britwych. also, bw because the world was inspired by british witches.
zenduck1961: lol
redjuly29: omg i can't believe you remember that.
zenduck1961: lol ... it haunts me
redjuly29: lolol
redjuly29: i've been doing GREAT the past couple weeks, even with some major snafus with the new world. the world is mostly ready now, just in time for ostara. i'll start advertising ostara rituals this weekend in loec
zenduck1961: that would be very cool. i'll keep my eye out for it. promise
redjuly29: ok
zenduck1961: so thing'sve been going good, eh? nice to hear!
redjuly29: yeah, cept for jamie getting pulled over for drunk driving *charge downgraded to Personal Control, don't ask me what that means* and having to pay a $1000 fine
zenduck1961: well, that'll teach 'em
redjuly29: 8snort*
redjuly29: we're not going into what i think of that.
redjuly29: anyway, how're you???
zenduck1961: yeah. sounds good.
zenduck1961: pretty good. tired, getting a cold, working my butt off. basically the same (holding things together here) but i'm really stoked at the book progress. i'm not telling many people. i just want to drop it on people's laps in late april (my bday present to myself).
redjuly29: WOOHOO!
redjuly29: what do you want for your bday anyway? from other people i mean?
zenduck1961: yeah. it's good stuff. i'll want to bounce a few things off you just to get a female perspective.
zenduck1961: a hooker.
zenduck1961:
redjuly29: lmao
zenduck1961: or someone who'll pretend to be one.
redjuly29: one hooker coming up. male or female?
zenduck1961: female, please. ty
redjuly29: what about shemale?
redjuly29: or hefem?
zenduck1961: naw, i'm going for the traditional. i'll work my way up once i'm back in practice again. i'd settle for a snuggle and some dirty talk (lol)
redjuly29: right!
redjuly29: dammit, i have no idea what i did with your coupon book AGAIN
zenduck1961: i could send you an extra. i'll send the G-rated one.
zenduck1961: besides, sweetie, you don't need coupons to get what you want from me. but it IS sorta fun, isn't it?
redjuly29: yesh, yesh it is.
redjuly29: i wish you could stay up late, i really miss you.
zenduck1961: i really miss you too. been thinking of ya lots (warm, endearing, clean thoughts). really.
redjuly29: oh, jamie may be doing a job sometime in late april/early may somewhat close to elkhart. maybe 6 hours from there. would you and linda be willing to pick me and rowan up halfway for a weekend or a week?
zenduck1961: oh hell yes!
redjuly29: sweet!
zenduck1961: yeah, i could do that easy
zenduck1961: <last cig warning, i hate to say>
redjuly29: sorry, had to explain something about modeling an object so i'd get what i want.
zenduck1961: no prob. i'm looking forward to seeing it when i have the time.
redjuly29: D
redjuly29: oops
redjuly29:
zenduck1961: i promise to not litter or otherwise defame the place.
redjuly29: good, cuz if you do then well you'll have to be flogged with cooked noodles
redjuly29: not bowties in a sock, either
zenduck1961: ah, that would be foreplay.
zenduck1961: i promise to not warrent a flogging. honest injun.
redjuly29: yay!
zenduck1961: anything else new and special going on over there?
redjuly29: i'm slightly tipsy right now, which might account for my honesty with saying i miss you.
zenduck1961: well have a couple more and let's talk then! (i miss you too, dear)
redjuly29:
redjuly29: check this out please. www.bwritual.co.uk kai, the owner of britwych, bought this site and totally created it for me. click the pic to get in.
zenduck1961: k
zenduck1961: like the altar
redjuly29: kai made that
zenduck1961: very nice
redjuly29: yesh
redjuly29: he made the whole ritual circle i'm using. i think it's quite beautiful
zenduck1961: i'm looking forward to lurking there! maybe i'll become a citizen so i can have my own weird avatar
redjuly29: D
redjuly29: pleh
zenduck1961: lol
redjuly29:
zenduck1961: i LIKE you tipsy!
redjuly29: lol even with my lips numb?
zenduck1961: especially with numb lips!
redjuly29: sweet!
zenduck1961: ok...HONEST this time...last cig....ah, you do this to me!
redjuly29: sorry
redjuly29: go to bed
redjuly29: don't light that cig
redjuly29: i mean it
zenduck1961: naw, i'd rather be with you.
zenduck1961: too late!!
redjuly29: DON'T LIGHT THAT CIG!
redjuly29: ahhh, what a world
zenduck1961: foul temptress....
zenduck1961: i'll smoke quick.
redjuly29: temptress?
redjuly29: lol i fail to see how i'm a temptress!
zenduck1961: o, but you are!
redjuly29: how??
zenduck1961: wait. if you were a temptress, then i would have obeyed you and NOT lit the cig...which means the tinfoil's working....
redjuly29: lmao
redjuly29: i have a tinfoil hat too. i swear.
zenduck1961: ah, but you have unearthly control anyways....i submit! (lol) ....
redjuly29: i made it when gisela (sm person) told me about the russians beaming radio waves at us while we're sleeping
zenduck1961: lol!
redjuly29: it's true! (or at least sounds reasonably plausible)
zenduck1961: i think a lot of people are beaming radio waves at us these days. i keep picking up the oldies disco station.
redjuly29: yuck! put on your tinfoil hat!
zenduck1961: serious. i thought i left the pointer sisters long behind me!!!
redjuly29: you did. it's the russians being evil.
zenduck1961: well, take off your tinfoil hat so i can beam some radiowaves o'love to you
redjuly29: tinfoil hat removed
zenduck1961: <<<BEAMING RADIOWAVES OF LOVE ***edited for content***>>>>>>
redjuly29: no editing!!!
redjuly29: brb rowan needs to go to bed
zenduck1961: k
redjuly29: back
zenduck1961: woooHOOOOO!!! and, now, for the unedited beaming: <<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>!
redjuly29: WOW!
redjuly29: i'm like, speechless
zenduck1961: yeah. i need another cig too.
redjuly29: lol
zenduck1961: <lights> no, really, this is the last one.
redjuly29: okie dokie
redjuly29: did you look at the site i posted?
zenduck1961: just now in that link?
redjuly29: yes
zenduck1961: yeah, i've been browing on it. looks nice so far.
zenduck1961: i like the "About" on you
redjuly29: read "about eyes of isis" kai wrote that. made me cry.
zenduck1961: serious. i liked it too.
redjuly29: i had no idea anyone, ANYONE, felt that way or thought those things about me.
redjuly29: i guess i should pay closer attention.
zenduck1961: yes you should. hell, i do of course
zenduck1961: but i'm sure a lot of other people do too
redjuly29: *nods*
redjuly29: sorry, still chokes me up thinking about it.
zenduck1961: it's nice hearing that stuff from people isn't it? and kinda suprising too
redjuly29: yes, and yes, definitely
zenduck1961: well, i think your Aces and i'm glad other people do to (it doesn't suprise me, really)
redjuly29: the day before kai revealed the site to me i'd posted a sign in my world thanking everyone for their contributions.
redjuly29: kai was one of the people listed on the sign
redjuly29: anyway i'm babbling
zenduck1961: sweet
zenduck1961: naw, it's all good
redjuly29: sort of spaced off for a sec
zenduck1961: i'm looking forward to seeing it up and running.....
zenduck1961: that's ok. must be the radiowaves. i sent out another jolt.
redjuly29:
zenduck1961: it was all good.
redjuly29: awww
redjuly29: i want something right now but i don't know what it is
zenduck1961: food? snack? beverage? music?
zenduck1961: a trained monkey? ping pong paddle? jar of honey?
redjuly29: a meaningful experience
zenduck1961: i hear you there!
zenduck1961: i think it's why i'm digging so deep in my book, cuz it's a fairly intense intellectual function. and, of course, it may lead to hookers someday...but, seriously, i know what you mean
redjuly29: lolol
redjuly29: how's your relationship with linda?
zenduck1961: it's ok. she's doing the best she can and she knows i get frustrated over the chaos and stuff. it's pretty unchanged.
zenduck1961: she's caught me grumbling a lot and i think it got her worried i was getting tired of her.
redjuly29: jamie's not around much anymore so my personal chaos isn't much of an issue.
redjuly29: ahhh, not good to worry about relationship stuff
zenduck1961: once in a while it shows a little (nothing BIG, i just get tired of feeling like i'm a case manager here). she's sensitive that i'm going to just get fed up w/it.
redjuly29: that's got to be hard on both of you.
zenduck1961: well, she does her best but she needs a lot of support, so i do most everything. she's appreciative (in contrast to ash who behaved like she was entitled to it). but she's hyper-sensitive to her 'shortcomings'. it's all good though, in spite of the various frustrations but, hey, what can i do?
redjuly29: what you can do is continue being you.
zenduck1961: pretty much. maybe i can get her to work on things if i take the gentle approach, but i try not to hold too much against her. i'm sure i'm no picnic either
redjuly29: ya know, i think you got the better end of the deal by marrying linda over me or ash.
zenduck1961: i dunno. i think you would have been every bit as good, if not better in a lot of ways. ash has too big a mean streak and a HUGE denial mechanism, which is sad. but i'd've married you in a minute.
redjuly29: that's nice to hear, but here's what i see. linda isn't LAZY, she works her ass off. granted, it leaves the house in chaos, but everything she does bring money into the house. money isn't everything, i know, but it sure makes one breath easier when the bills come due.
redjuly29: breathe*
zenduck1961: no doubt. she's one of the hardest working, most loving and kind people i've ever known. and it's nice to be appreciated.
redjuly29: what do i do? i spend my time online with people whom i've never met. i help them a great deal, but does it help with the bills? no. i take care of rowan, she's fed and clothed and happy, but the house is a shambles.
zenduck1961: i'd take that over egocentric and cruel any day of the week.
redjuly29: *nods*
zenduck1961: ah, but, seriously, dear, you're smart, funny, we can actually talk on the same wavelength (which is a delicious rarity for me), you do (pardon me for saying) drive me nuts (it's a phermone thing), your're spiritual and fun. you're no slouch at all!
redjuly29: so you wouldn't get peeved if we were married and i spent my time doing what i do now?
redjuly29: wait.......
zenduck1961: nope. i'd give you a lot more options
zenduck1961: k
redjuly29: i'm going to say this, even with reservations. if i were with you, i wouldn't have near the need to be online that i have now.
zenduck1961: probably not. we'd be doing a lot of fun things together and you wouldn't need the comp to be your only outlet.
zenduck1961: well, definately not. no 'probably'.
redjuly29: sorry i'm just
redjuly29: i'm regretting, yet not
zenduck1961: linda's really smart but we work on a slightly different wavelength (which is actually good). ash didn't really care what i said because, well, she's egocentric and i threatened her. she had the potential to be much more but, oh well. you, on the other hand, have a twisted beautiful mind.
redjuly29: i'm wishing you and jamie were the same fucking person
zenduck1961: i regret to, but not. when you're within arm's reach i tend to regret more. the same person? that would be interesting.
redjuly29: yeah
redjuly29: i shouldn't listen to Flames by Vast when i'm buzzed/drunk and talking to you. it makes me feel/think too much.....or maybe it's not too much
redjuly29: didn't mean to listen to Flames. it's on an object in BWRituals that i ran in to.
zenduck1961: ah, it's all good, sweetheart. you know that if we're single at the same time you better run for it.
redjuly29: won't happen
zenduck1961: probably not. i think linda will outlive me (lol).
redjuly29: i mean running won't happen
zenduck1961: good, cuz i'd find you! (wait. that sounded creepy).
redjuly29: lol
redjuly29: gods i hate feeling like this. i'm happy with jamie, really. but something's missing.
redjuly29: you're what's missing.
redjuly29: is it totally horrible that we're talking about this?
zenduck1961: no, i don't think so. i love you to, and want you and miss being near you. it's all adult here. i'm happy w/linda but something's missing as well, i've learned to live w/it but sometimes i really don't want to.
redjuly29: *nods*
redjuly29: meld me/lind, you/jamie the world would be........i dunno
redjuly29: no sense wishing for things that can't be
redjuly29: can't be right now anyway
zenduck1961: sad but true. maybe sometime. i'd love to get you out here for a visit and we can spend some real time just b.s.ing <<shakes stick: just keep your mits to yourself!!!!!!>>. who knows? the world's a funny place.
zenduck1961: (ok. you can tell i'm getting tired) lol
redjuly29: lol
redjuly29: go to bed. i KNOW you're long past your 'last cig'
zenduck1961: yeah. i'm REALLY enjoying this but i have to be up in a few hours (sucks). we'll continue this later, k?
redjuly29: yeah
redjuly29: one question. is it totally unfair that i bring this stuff up?
zenduck1961: not at all. i can talk to you about anything (serious, you're the only person i feel comfortable taking about anything) and you can say anything to me (serious, i can take it).
redjuly29: i feel the same about you
zenduck1961: good. i don't know anyone i'm free or comfortable enough or adult enough with to say weird personal stuff about and they get-it and actually give a shit. besides, this is you and me, we can talk about anything and it stays here (i also delete my Yahoo logs periodically...lol).
redjuly29: i don't keep yahoo logs, but i do, on occasion, add our convos to my livejournal
zenduck1961: lol sounds weird.
redjuly29: me?
zenduck1961: it's one of the reasons i love ya!
redjuly29: lol
redjuly29: i add things i want to remember
redjuly29: in fact, i was just thinking of adding this one.
zenduck1961: sounds good. well, i'm off to bed and i shall dream of you (endearing, clean thoughts) but loving nonetheless.
redjuly29: i love you too
redjuly29: give my love to linda please
redjuly29: (different kind of love)
zenduck1961: GOOD! i don't think she'd be comfortable in the red ridinghod outfit. i will. say hey to jamie for me. i'll be on tomorrow even though i'll be invisible. go ahead and ping me.
redjuly29: lol
redjuly29: ok
redjuly29: g'night hon *hugs* i love you.
zenduck1961: love you too.
zenduck1961: <click>

Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) have you ever been in love with 2 people at once?
ashiko: yes it's kind of tuff
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) yeah
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) i so shouldn't have put this song on the platform, it makes me think and feel too much
ashiko: no kinda bout it really
ashiko: i wasn't for the best tho
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) do you mind me unloading on you? it's ok if you do mind.
ashiko: it's alright
ashiko: i hope it helps
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) i dunno if it helps or not lol
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) isn't it completely stupid that when something like this happens all the guilt and longing and frustration etc could be alleviated by one simple act....the 2 people you love being one person?
ashiko: one simple impossible act
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) yeah
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) hence the use of the word 'stupid'
ashiko: ow ow ow there's no winning
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) jamie knows about my feelings for this other person. in fact, i loved this other person long before i knew jamie, things just didn't work out right. the kicker though? no one involved in this THING is comfortable enough to make it a polyamory sort
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) of thing, including me. mostly fear.
ashiko: mmmm that's would be asking a lot
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) pleh, i'll let you get to work on myste's thingy. ty for understanding and not judging.
ashiko: many deeply indoctrinated taboos
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) yes
ashiko: i remember reading in some heinlin about people being ok with it and thinking it would be nice to be able to share that way, but i don't think i'd be ready for it
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) the book Friday perhaps? or Stranger In A Strange Land?
ashiko: he had a few with that subtheme
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress is another.
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) the world would be so......beautiful, if it could be like Stranger In A Strange Land
ashiko: i gotta go
Myste: dang thing is pushin my buttons
Myste: awww ok
Eyes of Isis: ok ash *hugs* g'night and sleep well
Myste: take care ashiko and have good night
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) and thank you
ashiko: np anytime
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, February 13th, 2006

Subject:lovely little poem
Time:11:53 pm.
"Grinx": ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Grinx": .
"Grinx": .
"Grinx": .
"Grinx": My New Girlfriend is a Lesbian
"Grinx": .
"Grinx": My new girlfriend is a lesbian.
"Grinx": Her friends say things both puzzled and snide.
"Grinx": When they ask her, "Why do you love him?"
"Grinx": She says, "He's got one hell of a feminine side!"
"Grinx": .
"Grinx": .
"Grinx": copyright 2002 by Gary Wade
"Grinx": ~~~~End~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Poetry Cafe Reader v2.0
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, December 26th, 2005

Subject:6:25 a.m.?
Time:7:31 am.
What is it about 6 am on the morning after Christmas that makes it so difficult to find someone to talk to? Are all the rational and sane people in bed? I sit here in my darkened living room; kids sleeping to my left, Christmas tree behind me, Rowan talking in her sleep and Jamie blissfully ignorant within his own dreamtime; awaiting some sort of epiphany or perhaps rescue from my thoughts which won't allow me to find my own rest.

Life is good. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes on my back, heat, water (most of the time), electricity, a mostly stable phoneline, movies galore, Jamie's making good money and about to increase that with a move to a new job, and I'm starting to make some local friends. Yet why am I so unhappy? Why do I feel so disconnected, incomplete, pessimistic, listless, stressed and depressed? Why is everything so hard?...

Thoughts:
"You're a hypocrite. You're perfectly willing to take care of the 'needs' of your family, but you give no thought to mine. I don't see you worrying over the fairness of life with my sons (who happen to be your stepsons, by the way) the way you worry over it with your own family. You say I'm the hypocrite? lol Honey, I am fully aware of my hypocrisy. I well know that I haven't been in contact with Richie in 6 years nor with John in 10 years. MY hypocrisy stems from fear. Fear of Rich and fear of the rejection of my sons. Don't try to make this about me. Where does your hypocrisy stem from? Don't try to tell me you're respecting my wishes. That's a cop out. Want to know how I know that? Easy. When you want something, you don't let up. You're like water eating at a rock. At first your relentlessness goes unnoticed, but gradually one can see that the rock is smaller, smoother, rounder, that you're slowly sluicing away it's layers. If you weren't a hypocrite about this whole thing, then you would be constantly at me to contact my sons, to send them cards and gifts, to try to get them out here for visits, or to visit them myself. Aren't you the least bit curious about them, the way you expect me to be curious about and involved with your daughters? Doesn't seem so.
Another example of hypocrisy. You expect me to be in contact with your family, to visit them when you do, to share in holidays and birthdays, to help on this stupid farm. What of my family? You've spoken to my mother what, once, twice, on the phone? And that briefly. I don't see you making any effort to get to know my family. In fact, you've been known to say things several times along the lines of 'I'm glad I don't live close to MY mother-in-law. She'd drive me crazy.' Another point of my hypocrisy, you say? Darlin', yet again I know the depth of my own faults here. I've had a lifetime to build my prejudices against my family. But you? You only have my say so on things. You have no basis for personal judgment. The truth is you have no inclination toward meeting my family, getting to know them, spending time with them, the way you expect me to interact with your family. You say I don't interact with your family, that I hole up, that I'm a hermit? Honey, I interact with your family a HELL of a lot more than you do with mine. How does that saying go? 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.'
You're damn right I'm pissed off about the stocking you were so adamant to hang for Cassy. Where in hell is that relentlessness to include my part of this family? Why in fucking hell aren't you out here right now worrying so over the feelings of YOUR stepsons? I'm pissed off and hurt to no end that you give so much consideration to your niece, yet give zero thought to my children. You say you've never met them, that you have no connection with them so they don't come to mind as often? Lousy excuse. That's right, EXCUSE. Remember that relentlessness for which you're so famous? You know how to ask me how to contact them. You know how to dial a phone. You know how to talk to people in such a way that they won't hang up on you the second they find out who you are.
The truth is your relieved that I'm not so very adamant about going to see my family. That saves work for you. That means you don't have to live up to the same expectations you have for me where your family is concerned. But there's one small catch here, something which proves I'm not QUITE the hypocrite you are. I don't expect you to spend time with my family. I don't expect you to get to know people you have no wish to get to know. I don't expect you to try to strike up conversations with people who are boring at best, and downright mindbogglingly narrow-minded at worst. And, until now, I've never expected you to show the same caring and consideration to your stepsons that you have expected from me toward my stepdaughters and niece.
You have a massive double standard.
But that's about to change. Why? Because sometime in the night I realized why I was so aggravated over you're wanting to hang a stocking for Cassy after we discussed NOT doing it and agreed on NOT doing it. Because I'm jealous and hurt. You expect so much out of me where your side of the family is concerned, but you don't apply the same expectations to yourself when it's my side of the family. Oh sure, you were all altruistic when it came to the possibility of my brother staying with us after he gets out of prison, but how much effort did you make to hold a conversation with him that wasn't forced on you by, say, my need to use the bathroom, or I couldn't get away from changing rowan's diaper in the 2 minutes after you picked up the phone? When have you shown interest in him other than when I've brought it up? Oh, that's right, you DID show interest and excitement....when you thought he was going to be here to help on the farm. But that sort of fizzled out when you found out he couldn't live with us, didn't it? Funny, that."
End of thoughts.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, October 25th, 2005

Subject:john
Time:2:11 am.
Mood: drunk.
zenduck1961: hey, punkin!
redjuly29: hi there
zenduck1961: howzit going?
redjuly29: fine now. you?
zenduck1961: oh, pretty good. getting ready for bed but i saw you sitting there all purrrdy-like and wanted to say hey. got your call yesterday but haven't been settled long enough to call back.
redjuly29: okey dokey
zenduck1961: i'm ok i guess. what's up w/you these days???? it's been a while.
redjuly29: lemme see....
redjuly29: jamie and i went to a witches' meet up back in april and met this guy named dave who had split with his wife
redjuly29: he and i talked a bit online, then he disappeared for 2 months. turned out he'd gotten back together with his wife because he'd seen me and jamie with rowan and wanted to spend more time around his 2 yr old son
zenduck1961: that's cool. got him thinking sort of thing, eh?
redjuly29: we started hanging out with them every weekend, then about a month ago his wife asked me to babysit 2 days a week until her training period at her new job was over
redjuly29: 2 days a week turned into 3 days a week, and the 2 week training period went to permanent, then the babysitting was revving up to 4 days a week, with no idea of how the schedule was going to be from (literally) day to day.
redjuly29: i started losing sleep, i started losing my mind, jamie and i got into a physical fight last week (he's been working 6 days a week for a month), then last week i had about 8 hours sleep in the entire week, and last friday i decided i couldn't take it anymore and told them i wouldn't babysit anymore, but i talked to my sis in law and she would take over (she runs a state sanctioned daycare)
redjuly29: so, since then, i've gotten at least 8 hours sleep a night, and the woman bitched to dave that she wished i'd given her notice, even though *I* found another sitter for her, AND i told them from the very beginning that exactly this might happen.
redjuly29: so, i'm pretty ok now
zenduck1961: woof! so everyone got stretched thin to breaking...you did the right thing passing the load. as far as the "notice" thing, what did she expect? sheesh!!!! i'm glad you're back to getting sleep.
redjuly29: me too! i feel human and sane again! albeit a little drunk *giggles*
zenduck1961: lucky beast!!!
redjuly29: yesh!
zenduck1961: glad you're doing better. i've been thinking bout you lots and hoping you were ok
redjuly29: same to you
redjuly29: how's linda? did you guys go to that psychic faire?
zenduck1961: yeah. linda actually made a couple hundred (which is really rare for those things). she's so-so on her health...fatigue, menopause, lots of aches and such. she did a sleep study and they found a minor apnia that they're going to see if oxygen fixes. so, i'm in caregiver mode (lol)
redjuly29: wow
zenduck1961: yeah. she's constantly tired and the apnia stops her from getting fulling into sleep. plus, she's 51, works hard, is overweight and is going through the tailend of her 'changes'. so, i just make sure she's comfortable and don't pressure her too much about stuff.
redjuly29: tell her to try One A Day Active. it's got a bit of ginseng in it. normally i can't do ginseng because it makes me hyper, but i'm doing well with this so far. It might work for her.
zenduck1961: i will. she's started w/vitamins and we're going through a whole routine to coax her back to health, or at least keep it from sliding.
redjuly29: ooo nevermind, the ginseng might screw with her sleep patterns even more
zenduck1961: she's in such a constant state of exhaustion that she sometimes nods off at red lights. so, when she gets home, i feed her and she watches tv and drifts off (then she's up at 4:30, which doesn't help)...it looks like she's getting a non-production job at her company so that'll take some of the physical strain off of her.
redjuly29: good.
redjuly29: do they know what's causing the sleep apnea?
zenduck1961: a flap of skin down in the esophogus narrows so she doesn't get enough oxygen when she sleeps, so she keeps waking up. they're going to put her on an oxygen machine (for lack of a better word) in a week of two to see if that helps. they're pretty sure it will. she needs to loose a little weight (i'm no help w/being such a great cook, i guess) but her menopause makes weight loss more difficult.
redjuly29: can't something be done about that flap of skin?
zenduck1961: there's an operation but it's short term. really, she might have to be on oxygen at night for a while and it'll get easier when she looses a few pounds.
redjuly29: ok
zenduck1961: how're you feeling these days?
redjuly29: other than the lack of sleep (which is fixing itself) and a rather inconvenient crisis of faith i'm doing well.
zenduck1961: ah, crisis in faith? i can't let that one slide by, you know...
redjuly29: yeah yeah
zenduck1961: :
redjuly29: it's a combo of things i think
zenduck1961: gotcha (truly)
redjuly29: i've been teaching karla (dave's wife) about visualization and shield creation, plus we've held a couple of rituals.
redjuly29: i just haven't been able to "feel" the rituals, plus, when it was time for me to break through karla's shield, i couldn't do it. my energy just washed over her shield and added to it. so i'm thinking i need to work on my arrogance.
zenduck1961: gotcha.
redjuly29: dunno if that makes sence
redjuly29: sense
zenduck1961: little bit.
redjuly29: i think i've been putting way too much into the trappings of ritual, placing way too much importance on the trappings
zenduck1961: ah. that makes sense. it's easy to get caught up in those things.
redjuly29: yeah
redjuly29: but like......ok, karla and i did an esbat on sunday, the night before the full moon. that was when i was teaching visuals and shields. i couldn't feel it, any of it, and when i tried to break through her shield, not only did she not feel anything, but i KNEW deep down that it wouldn't happen because i had the mindset that she wouldn't have a very good shield because she's new to paganism *snort*
redjuly29: then for 3 nights afterward i did my own personal rituals, when i couldn't sleep.
redjuly29: i STILL didn't feel anything. then when jamie tried to give me a reading, then decided to cut the reading short to try to make me meditate, all i could do was giggle and cry at the absurdity of it all.
zenduck1961: yeah. work on the arrogance thing but, maybe, it's time for a walk-about of sorts/finding one's center, a little vision questy search for clarity
zenduck1961: or, maybe some pie.
redjuly29: i can't FEEL the goddess, and it's driving me nuts. i know SHE hasn't left me...i've got some sort of barrier up
redjuly29: pie would be good
redjuly29: brb but keep talking
zenduck1961: maybe a vision quest w/pie. sometimes it's good to shake off the ego and preconceptions to sort of clear the spiritual palate (so to speak)
redjuly29: yeah....
redjuly29: one night i did this thing where i named off outloud all the things i know about myself, good and bad....
redjuly29: it helped a little bit, but.....*shrugs*...i don't know. there's a lot of self-doubt, but i don't know what to do about it.
zenduck1961: seriously, i wish i could set up a sweat lodge. that's a truly great 'rebirth'/grounding sort of ritual. it was one of three things jeff vernum actually taught me. actually, i could do a cheap one here and just might. but something like that is a great grounding/purging thing.
redjuly29: jeff vernum? rowan?
zenduck1961: yup. actually, there were four things vernum taught me:
zenduck1961: sweat lodges...glen levits scotch...the game 'squadleader'....and why not to be a prick
redjuly29: lolol
redjuly29: i think i'm going to build a sweat lodge (*snort* yeah right, i'm lazy)
redjuly29: scotch is nasty
redjuly29: i've never heard of the game sqaudleader
redjuly29: and you couldn't be a prick if you tried
redjuly29: squadleader*
zenduck1961: actually, all you need do for a cheap one is take a small tent, cover it w/blankets to really insulate it, and bake the shit out of rocks before you bring them in and use sage on it.
redjuly29: ok
zenduck1961: glen levits ROCKS!! and squadleader's fun (it's a WWII game that takes months to play). and, i suppose i could be a prick but my obvious question is 'why?' (lol)
redjuly29: lol
redjuly29: glen levit tastes like juniper bushses
redjuly29: bushes
redjuly29: squadleader sounds like axis and allies
zenduck1961: i did a sweatlodge once is the dead of winter and it was great standing in my tighty-whities in 8below and watching the steam roll off of me.
redjuly29: and being a prick is NOWHERE in your nature
zenduck1961: it is, but it's a LOT more complicated
zenduck1961: thanks!! but i DO have my temptations
redjuly29: of course you do. but you're smart enough and DIVINE enough to say "hey, that's really mean and nasty. forget not doing it to make sure no one does it to me, i'm just not doing it because it would make me cry"....or something like that.
zenduck1961: right. plus i go to the whole "right thought", etc and what i know about karma and then i grumble, bite my tongue, and go back to my pie. but that's ok.
redjuly29: lol
redjuly29: another thing that's bugging me (kinda, maybe 'bugging' isn't the right word) is that, out of the 4 of us, i'm the only one who has lots of experience with wicca and wiccan rituals. jamie's mostly christian, dave's asatru, karla doesn't know what she is, and i'm a mutt. but i'm ending up planning all of the rituals by myself because no one else knows/cares what to do. it seems a little bit like it's being foisted off on me, because that's easier than getting off one's ass and doing a little research to create the kinds of rituals THEY want.
zenduck1961: you might have to coax (trick) people into coming up w/stuff.
redjuly29: "lots" being the few rituals i attended in indiana, and the 3 or 4 rits i did with romey and diana in montana.
zenduck1961: gads. i haven't done ritual in years.
zenduck1961: linda has the ENTIRE loec book (including the 'sock monkey' ritual). copies are yours for the asking.
redjuly29: YES!
redjuly29: must...have....sock monkey.....ritual! *froths*
zenduck1961: serious. let me know what you want and i'll mail them to you.
zenduck1961: (it's excellent!)
redjuly29: everything
zenduck1961: i can do that
redjuly29: i want everything, i need input
redjuly29: oh, off subject but before i forget.....is linda still making magickal bags like the one you sent me for my birthday in montana, and how much does she charge?
zenduck1961: done. and i do mean it has EVERYTHING...it even has the chocolate ritual which i can't get linda interested in. oh well, i shall live vicariously.
redjuly29: the chocolate ritual would sooooo rock
zenduck1961: not much. a few bucks. actually, i can just send you one. she has some great ones.
redjuly29: i want to pay for it.
zenduck1961: we'll see
redjuly29: it's like a........thing....*mumbles*
redjuly29: tell you what..........you pick it out and i'll pay for it? *cringes a bit*
redjuly29: i love your taste.
zenduck1961: ha! done!
redjuly29: yay!
zenduck1961: it even has a couple rituals of mine (the ones that made people not want to ask me to do rituals anymore)....
redjuly29: LOL! YAY!
redjuly29: i bet those are the best ones
zenduck1961: i'm pretty keen on them.
redjuly29: oh........do you have a copy of the my handfasting with jamie? i think i burned my copy last year.......*prepares to hide*
zenduck1961: i'm especially keen on the 'ringside bimbo' one. but, in all honesty, i know what to take seriously and what not to. actually, yes i do (i kept a copy).
redjuly29: lol
zenduck1961: don't hide...you're forgiven.
redjuly29: yes!
redjuly29: thanks *smooch back*
zenduck1961:
redjuly29: i miss you
redjuly29: i wonder if i can talk jamie into going to indiana this weekend..........
zenduck1961: i miss you too, sweetheart!!!! i've gone through a great re-adjustment of my friends and i realized just how much i wish you were here.
zenduck1961: that would rock!!!!!!
redjuly29: yeah? what sort of readjustment? who's gone, who's stayed? etc?
redjuly29: i wish i were there too, btw
zenduck1961: no one, really. i just stopped expecting people to behave other than what they were willing or capable of. it's made things a tad barren but they always were, really.
redjuly29: *nods...*
zenduck1961: so i've gotten very much better at self-containment (which is good), being at peace with what people are rather than what i think they could be, and channelling my energies into other things. i seriously think you're the only real friend i have that i can speak totally honestly to and know your listening. not so much with many others.
zenduck1961: well, mark seymour. he's a good egg. and jess if it isn't too personal at the wrong time (lol)
redjuly29: then jess doesn't count
redjuly29: and mark is cool, thought exceedingly weird (which is definitely not a bad thing
redjuly29: )
zenduck1961: well, there are certain things i can talk to her about but she's awfully guarded (its because we work together, if you can believe that)
zenduck1961: yes he is!!! bless him.
redjuly29: she's also guarded because she knows how you feel about her (she's not stupid), and she's got that deceitful/controlling boyfriend thing going on that she's totally buying in to
zenduck1961: actually, they split up (thank god). and, yeah, she's not stupid. hopefully she also knows it doesn't mean anything.
redjuly29: YAY for splitting up!
redjuly29: well, if she knows or doesn't know doesn't matter. that's not your concern
zenduck1961: she's very boundry-conscious. lol. yeah, he just pushed it too far and i made the "don't drink the kool aid" crack a couple times
zenduck1961: exactly.
redjuly29: sorry had to let yin in
redjuly29: i think she's so damned boundary conscious because she's afraid of what will happen if she slips even a little bit
redjuly29: she's tried to convince herself that she's afraid of you, but she's really afraid of herself.
zenduck1961: i'm sure you're right. it's all immaterial anyways.
redjuly29: and where in hell is this coming from??
zenduck1961: ah, aren't we the astute one??
redjuly29: i'm drunk, ignore me.
zenduck1961: ah, i'd never ignore you!
redjuly29: yay!
zenduck1961:
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zenduck1961: hey, punkin!
redjuly29: hi there
zenduck1961: howzit going?
redjuly29: fine now. you?
zenduck1961: oh, pretty good. getting ready for bed but i saw you sitting there all purrrdy-like and wanted to say hey. got your call yesterday but haven't been settled long enough to call back.
redjuly29: okey dokey
zenduck1961: i'm ok i guess. what's up w/you these days???? it's been a while.
redjuly29: lemme see....
redjuly29: jamie and i went to a witches' meet up back in april and met this guy named dave who had split with his wife
redjuly29: he and i talked a bit online, then he disappeared for 2 months. turned out he'd gotten back together with his wife because he'd seen me and jamie with rowan and wanted to spend more time around his 2 yr old son
zenduck1961: that's cool. got him thinking sort of thing, eh?
redjuly29: we started hanging out with them every weekend, then about a month ago his wife asked me to babysit 2 days a week until her training period at her new job was over
redjuly29: 2 days a week turned into 3 days a week, and the 2 week training period went to permanent, then the babysitting was revving up to 4 days a week, with no idea of how the schedule was going to be from (literally) day to day.
redjuly29: i started losing sleep, i started losing my mind, jamie and i got into a physical fight last week (he's been working 6 days a week for a month), then last week i had about 8 hours sleep in the entire week, and last friday i decided i couldn't take it anymore and told them i wouldn't babysit anymore, but i talked to my sis in law and she would take over (she runs a state sanctioned daycare)
redjuly29: so, since then, i've gotten at least 8 hours sleep a night, and the woman bitched to dave that she wished i'd given her notice, even though *I* found another sitter for her, AND i told them from the very beginning that exactly this might happen.
redjuly29: so, i'm pretty ok now
zenduck1961: woof! so everyone got stretched thin to breaking...you did the right thing passing the load. as far as the "notice" thing, what did she expect? sheesh!!!! i'm glad you're back to getting sleep.
redjuly29: me too! i feel human and sane again! albeit a little drunk *giggles*
zenduck1961: lucky beast!!!
redjuly29: yesh!
zenduck1961: glad you're doing better. i've been thinking bout you lots and hoping you were ok
redjuly29: same to you
redjuly29: how's linda? did you guys go to that psychic faire?
zenduck1961: yeah. linda actually made a couple hundred (which is really rare for those things). she's so-so on her health...fatigue, menopause, lots of aches and such. she did a sleep study and they found a minor apnia that they're going to see if oxygen fixes. so, i'm in caregiver mode (lol)
redjuly29: wow
zenduck1961: yeah. she's constantly tired and the apnia stops her from getting fulling into sleep. plus, she's 51, works hard, is overweight and is going through the tailend of her 'changes'. so, i just make sure she's comfortable and don't pressure her too much about stuff.
redjuly29: tell her to try One A Day Active. it's got a bit of ginseng in it. normally i can't do ginseng because it makes me hyper, but i'm doing well with this so far. It might work for her.
zenduck1961: i will. she's started w/vitamins and we're going through a whole routine to coax her back to health, or at least keep it from sliding.
redjuly29: ooo nevermind, the ginseng might screw with her sleep patterns even more
zenduck1961: she's in such a constant state of exhaustion that she sometimes nods off at red lights. so, when she gets home, i feed her and she watches tv and drifts off (then she's up at 4:30, which doesn't help)...it looks like she's getting a non-production job at her company so that'll take some of the physical strain off of her.
redjuly29: good.
redjuly29: do they know what's causing the sleep apnea?
zenduck1961: a flap of skin down in the esophogus narrows so she doesn't get enough oxygen when she sleeps, so she keeps waking up. they're going to put her on an oxygen machine (for lack of a better word) in a week of two to see if that helps. they're pretty sure it will. she needs to loose a little weight (i'm no help w/being such a great cook, i guess) but her menopause makes weight loss more difficult.
redjuly29: can't something be done about that flap of skin?
zenduck1961: there's an operation but it's short term. really, she might have to be on oxygen at night for a while and it'll get easier when she looses a few pounds.
redjuly29: ok
zenduck1961: how're you feeling these days?
redjuly29: other than the lack of sleep (which is fixing itself) and a rather inconvenient crisis of faith i'm doing well.
zenduck1961: ah, crisis in faith? i can't let that one slide by, you know...
redjuly29: yeah yeah
zenduck1961: :
redjuly29: it's a combo of things i think
zenduck1961: gotcha (truly)
redjuly29: i've been teaching karla (dave's wife) about visualization and shield creation, plus we've held a couple of rituals.
redjuly29: i just haven't been able to "feel" the rituals, plus, when it was time for me to break through karla's shield, i couldn't do it. my energy just washed over her shield and added to it. so i'm thinking i need to work on my arrogance.
zenduck1961: gotcha.
redjuly29: dunno if that makes sence
redjuly29: sense
zenduck1961: little bit.
redjuly29: i think i've been putting way too much into the trappings of ritual, placing way too much importance on the trappings
zenduck1961: ah. that makes sense. it's easy to get caught up in those things.
redjuly29: yeah
redjuly29: but like......ok, karla and i did an esbat on sunday, the night before the full moon. that was when i was teaching visuals and shields. i couldn't feel it, any of it, and when i tried to break through her shield, not only did she not feel anything, but i KNEW deep down that it wouldn't happen because i had the mindset that she wouldn't have a very good shield because she's new to paganism *snort*
redjuly29: then for 3 nights afterward i did my own personal rituals, when i couldn't sleep.
redjuly29: i STILL didn't feel anything. then when jamie tried to give me a reading, then decided to cut the reading short to try to make me meditate, all i could do was giggle and cry at the absurdity of it all.
zenduck1961: yeah. work on the arrogance thing but, maybe, it's time for a walk-about of sorts/finding one's center, a little vision questy search for clarity
zenduck1961: or, maybe some pie.
redjuly29: i can't FEEL the goddess, and it's driving me nuts. i know SHE hasn't left me...i've got some sort of barrier up
redjuly29: pie would be good
redjuly29: brb but keep talking
zenduck1961: maybe a vision quest w/pie. sometimes it's good to shake off the ego and preconceptions to sort of clear the spiritual palate (so to speak)
redjuly29: yeah....
redjuly29: one night i did this thing where i named off outloud all the things i know about myself, good and bad....
redjuly29: it helped a little bit, but.....*shrugs*...i don't know. there's a lot of self-doubt, but i don't know what to do about it.
zenduck1961: seriously, i wish i could set up a sweat lodge. that's a truly great 'rebirth'/grounding sort of ritual. it was one of three things jeff vernum actually taught me. actually, i could do a cheap one here and just might. but something like that is a great grounding/purging thing.
redjuly29: jeff vernum? rowan?
zenduck1961: yup. actually, there were four things vernum taught me:
zenduck1961: sweat lodges...glen levits scotch...the game 'squadleader'....and why not to be a prick
redjuly29: lolol
redjuly29: i think i'm going to build a sweat lodge (*snort* yeah right, i'm lazy)
redjuly29: scotch is nasty
redjuly29: i've never heard of the game sqaudleader
redjuly29: and you couldn't be a prick if you tried
redjuly29: squadleader*
zenduck1961: actually, all you need do for a cheap one is take a small tent, cover it w/blankets to really insulate it, and bake the shit out of rocks before you bring them in and use sage on it.
redjuly29: ok
zenduck1961: glen levits ROCKS!! and squadleader's fun (it's a WWII game that takes months to play). and, i suppose i could be a prick but my obvious question is 'why?' (lol)
redjuly29: lol
redjuly29: glen levit tastes like juniper bushses
redjuly29: bushes
redjuly29: squadleader sounds like axis and allies
zenduck1961: i did a sweatlodge once is the dead of winter and it was great standing in my tighty-whities in 8below and watching the steam roll off of me.
redjuly29: and being a prick is NOWHERE in your nature
zenduck1961: it is, but it's a LOT more complicated
zenduck1961: thanks!! but i DO have my temptations
redjuly29: of course you do. but you're smart enough and DIVINE enough to say "hey, that's really mean and nasty. forget not doing it to make sure no one does it to me, i'm just not doing it because it would make me cry"....or something like that.
zenduck1961: right. plus i go to the whole "right thought", etc and what i know about karma and then i grumble, bite my tongue, and go back to my pie. but that's ok.
redjuly29: lol
redjuly29: another thing that's bugging me (kinda, maybe 'bugging' isn't the right word) is that, out of the 4 of us, i'm the only one who has lots of experience with wicca and wiccan rituals. jamie's mostly christian, dave's asatru, karla doesn't know what she is, and i'm a mutt. but i'm ending up planning all of the rituals by myself because no one else knows/cares what to do. it seems a little bit like it's being foisted off on me, because that's easier than getting off one's ass and doing a little research to create the kinds of rituals THEY want.
zenduck1961: you might have to coax (trick) people into coming up w/stuff.
redjuly29: "lots" being the few rituals i attended in indiana, and the 3 or 4 rits i did with romey and diana in montana.
zenduck1961: gads. i haven't done ritual in years.
zenduck1961: linda has the ENTIRE loec book (including the 'sock monkey' ritual). copies are yours for the asking.
redjuly29: YES!
redjuly29: must...have....sock monkey.....ritual! *froths*
zenduck1961: serious. let me know what you want and i'll mail them to you.
zenduck1961: (it's excellent!)
redjuly29: everything
zenduck1961: i can do that
redjuly29: i want everything, i need input
redjuly29: oh, off subject but before i forget.....is linda still making magickal bags like the one you sent me for my birthday in montana, and how much does she charge?
zenduck1961: done. and i do mean it has EVERYTHING...it even has the chocolate ritual which <whimper> i can't get linda interested in. <sigh> oh well, i shall live vicariously.
redjuly29: the chocolate ritual would sooooo rock
zenduck1961: not much. a few bucks. actually, i can just send you one. she has some great ones.
redjuly29: i want to pay for it.
zenduck1961: we'll see
redjuly29: it's like a........thing....*mumbles*
redjuly29: tell you what..........you pick it out and i'll pay for it? *cringes a bit*
redjuly29: i love your taste.
zenduck1961: ha! done!
redjuly29: yay!
zenduck1961: it even has a couple rituals of mine (the ones that made people not want to ask me to do rituals anymore)....<cackle>
redjuly29: LOL! YAY!
redjuly29: i bet those are the best ones
zenduck1961: i'm pretty keen on them.
redjuly29: oh........do you have a copy of the my handfasting with jamie? i think i burned my copy last year.......*prepares to hide*
zenduck1961: i'm especially keen on the 'ringside bimbo' one. but, in all honesty, i know what to take seriously and what not to. actually, yes i do (i kept a copy).
redjuly29: lol
zenduck1961: don't hide...you're forgiven. <smooch>
redjuly29: yes!
redjuly29: thanks *smooch back*
zenduck1961: <grin>
redjuly29: i miss you
redjuly29: i wonder if i can talk jamie into going to indiana this weekend..........
zenduck1961: i miss you too, sweetheart!!!! i've gone through a great re-adjustment of my friends and i realized just how much i wish you were here.
zenduck1961: that would rock!!!!!!
redjuly29: yeah? what sort of readjustment? who's gone, who's stayed? etc?
redjuly29: i wish i were there too, btw
zenduck1961: no one, really. i just stopped expecting people to behave other than what they were willing or capable of. it's made things a tad barren but they always were, really.
redjuly29: *nods...*
zenduck1961: so i've gotten very much better at self-containment (which is good), being at peace with what people are rather than what i think they could be, and channelling my energies into other things. i seriously think you're the only real friend i have that i can speak totally honestly to and know your listening. not so much with many others.
zenduck1961: well, mark seymour. he's a good egg. and jess if it isn't too personal at the wrong time (lol)
redjuly29: then jess doesn't count
redjuly29: and mark is cool, thought exceedingly weird (which is definitely not a bad thing
redjuly29: )
zenduck1961: well, there are certain things i can talk to her about but she's awfully guarded (its because we work together, if you can believe that)
zenduck1961: yes he is!!! bless him.
redjuly29: she's also guarded because she knows how you feel about her (she's not stupid), and she's got that deceitful/controlling boyfriend thing going on that she's totally buying in to
zenduck1961: actually, they split up (thank god). and, yeah, she's not stupid. hopefully she also knows it doesn't mean anything.
redjuly29: YAY for splitting up!
redjuly29: well, if she knows or doesn't know doesn't matter. that's not your concern
zenduck1961: she's very boundry-conscious. lol. yeah, he just pushed it too far and i made the "don't drink the kool aid" crack a couple times
zenduck1961: exactly.
redjuly29: sorry had to let yin in
redjuly29: i think she's so damned boundary conscious because she's afraid of what will happen if she slips even a little bit
redjuly29: she's tried to convince herself that she's afraid of you, but she's really afraid of herself.
zenduck1961: i'm sure you're right. it's all immaterial anyways.
redjuly29: and where in hell is this coming from??
zenduck1961: ah, aren't we the astute one??
redjuly29: i'm drunk, ignore me.
zenduck1961: ah, i'd never ignore you!
redjuly29: yay!
zenduck1961: <last couple cig warning...i have to be up at 6....eek!>
redjuly29: aha, there's the goddess. the silly bitch is only showing up when i'm tanked.
redjuly29: ok
zenduck1961: just had to let your guard down a bit!
redjuly29: lol it's Her fault!
redjuly29: i'm drinking the LAST hard cider muahahaha brb
zenduck1961: go for it!
redjuly29: what were you going to say?
zenduck1961: i was just saying you were awful astute. i was also going to say it would be great if you guys could get out here at some point.
redjuly29: yeah...
redjuly29: depends on jamie's schedule
zenduck1961: sounds like he's been working tons.
redjuly29: i'm REALLY going to try to talk him into a trip to indiana this weekend. i have a rit planned (sort of) for friday evening, but fuck it.
redjuly29: yeah, he has, 6 days a week for a month.
redjuly29: wait, almost 2 months
zenduck1961: sounds familiar. if it turns out you can, just let me know so i can clean up the joint a bit. linda's doing ritual this weekend, btw. she does good ritual.
redjuly29: yeah she does
redjuly29: n i don't care what state your house is in. i don't come to see your house.
zenduck1961: good. cuz it's nasty. i'm spread way too thin to do a good job on it.
zenduck1961:
redjuly29:
zenduck1961: you're coming for my pie, i know you!!!
redjuly29: you caught me
zenduck1961: i know how to snare you
redjuly29: indeed
zenduck1961: i'll have to whip up some great pie and some good snare gear then
redjuly29: yeah!
redjuly29: strawberry rhubarb is my fave
redjuly29: unfortunately out of season now *sigh*
zenduck1961: ah you shouldn't've told me cuz NOW YOUR MINE!!!!! <cackles>
redjuly29: YAY!
redjuly29: i know this probably isn't the smartest thing to ask, but what the hell. what do you think would've happened if i'd stayed?
zenduck1961: back a couple years ago?
redjuly29: yeah, instead of going back to montana to work on my 'marriage'
zenduck1961: serious?
redjuly29: yeah
zenduck1961: i would've married you
zenduck1961: or at least tried really hard.


*really really long pause*


redjuly29: that, i believe, is the most amazing thing you've ever said to me
zenduck1961: it's true, sweety. i wish i never would have let you slip away.
redjuly29: you did what you thought was right, as did i.
zenduck1961: yeah. but it didn't hold up to time very well (lol).
redjuly29: true
zenduck1961: and, truthfully, dear, i love just as much. you have no idea. it just goes to show how things turn and such and how weird life can be. i'm glad, though, that you seem to be happy where your at (jamie knows how lucky he is). ah, it's all so terribly strange isn't it? (lol)
redjuly29: what now? do we just pretend there's nothing there? is it comfortable the way it is? is it enough to know that we love each other?
zenduck1961: that's a good question. i say we don't pretend that we love each other. i also say that if we wind up single in our lifetimes you better run for it! (lol).
zenduck1961: wait. "don't deny the fact that we love each other"...i think that last sentence came out wrong. <shrug>
redjuly29: there's no way in hell i'm running
zenduck1961: sweet! cuz i think you're faster than i am. and, i think if you can get out this way i'll kidnap you for a drink and some pie (just keep your hands to yourself, you minx!!!). i miss having you close.
redjuly29: lol
redjuly29: i miss you too
zenduck1961: you think jamie'd be game for a visit? i haven't heard much from him since i sent the email on bipolar (i think he was a bit miffed at that but what the hell).
redjuly29: he wasn't actually. if i remember right he and i talked about it and he appreciated it. and yes, i think he'd be game for a visit if he doesn't have to work.
zenduck1961: cool!!! tell him i'll see what i can about lining him up w/some hookers or something.
zenduck1961: <last cig>
redjuly29: nobody's heard much from him because 1) he's so busy at work 2) he's not much for writing/talking to people online
redjuly29: ok
redjuly29: lol ok
zenduck1961: gotcha
zenduck1961: oh, subject change: i got dentures!! i can actually bite things (so far, linda's not been very receptive, but i'm wearing her down)
redjuly29: he's finally accepted that i truly am bipolar, and he keeps an eye on me.
redjuly29: YES!
zenduck1961: good! that's helpful
zenduck1961: i feel 100% better, have twice the energy and i actually look better.
redjuly29: keep at her. start small. offer to chew her food for her.
redjuly29: that's so great honey
zenduck1961: now that's a great idea!
zenduck1961: serious. you'll see the change. you'll even ask me to chew your food for you. which, by the way, would be an honor
redjuly29: lmao
redjuly29: gods i've needed to talk to you lol
zenduck1961: i even offered linda to put on the collar and pretend it was some really weird slave thing but i think it was too much for her
zenduck1961: me too, my love. me too.
redjuly29: lol
redjuly29: oh i know! one day when we're there i'll put a leash and collar on you and sort of nonchalantly hand the leash to linda. she can't ignore that!
zenduck1961: shit. she'd hand it back.
redjuly29: i'll run away
zenduck1961: and there'd i'd be with a leash and a sad look on my face. i see how you are
redjuly29: fine, i'll make her hand it to jamie
redjuly29: who will then sit on her and make her take it
zenduck1961: then i'd have a different look on my face!
redjuly29: lolol
zenduck1961: somehow i don't think i'd come out on top any way you cut this one.
redjuly29: *sigh*
zenduck1961: lol
redjuly29: how about leash, collar and pie?
zenduck1961: <sigh> if only .... <sigh>.....
zenduck1961:
redjuly29: that bad huh?
zenduck1961: oh, that? yeah, linda's out-of-commission for many many months <shrug>.
redjuly29: has anybody thought of doing a selfish-linda ritual? not a by-yourself-let's-see-what's-wrong-with-me sort of thing, but a bunch of people getting together and doing nothing but concentrating on linda and what she needs?
zenduck1961: i do that pretty much constantly. it goes back to her health, menopause (sex drive suffers, it's part of the cycle), and all that. really, i'm just supportive and doting as i can be and we don't mention the sex stuff because she feels bad that she feels nothing. there's lots of affection but the drive's disengaged. so i'm just riding it out and staying away from flirty women (like i'm surrounded by them...lol).
redjuly29: maybe an actual ritual would help...
redjuly29: i don't mean just sex
zenduck1961: hmm...i'll have to think about that one. she's pretty much sensetive and frustrated because her body doesn't have the energy. but maybe a ritual might be a good idea....hmmm....i'm going to seriously think about that one.
redjuly29: good
zenduck1961: <ok. absolutely my last cigarette...really!
redjuly29: i suggest a bunch of her closest, most personal friends, people she really really trusts, being involved.
redjuly29: lol ok
redjuly29: (of that includes me and/or jamie, then plan it for when we're there!)
redjuly29: if*
zenduck1961: that's not a bad idea. she's fallen into 'crone' mode. but she knows i'm her 'rock' and that helps.
redjuly29: oooo....has she done a crone ritual?
zenduck1961: sounds good. no, she hasn't. but i think it would mean a lot to her.
redjuly29: i have a crone ritual on one of my calendars. brb
zenduck1961: k
redjuly29: i know i've got it somewhere. i'll look for it tomorrow and type it out for you.
redjuly29: i'm too drunk to find it now lol
zenduck1961: cool. we don't do much in the way of ritual together. i do my best to be supportive and all that without making her think she's being a burden.
zenduck1961: lol!
redjuly29: she makes herself think she's a burden
zenduck1961: ok, sweetie, i really MUST get to bed (i don't want to pass out meds asleep).
zenduck1961: yeah, she does
redjuly29: ok
zenduck1961: which is why i'm very much into not letting her think so.
redjuly29: yeah
zenduck1961: anyways, dear, i really wish i didn't have to go. i've needed this very very much and it seems too short.
redjuly29: agreed, on all counts
zenduck1961: i'll be around tomorrow night (even though i'm on 'invisible' mode all the time)
redjuly29: message me if you see me
redjuly29: i'm not invisible, ever
zenduck1961: i will. until then, sleep well.
zenduck1961:
redjuly29: i've no reason to hide anymore
redjuly29: you sleep well too.
zenduck1961: allright. love you madly!
zenduck1961: <smooch>
redjuly29: i love you too john *hugs and smooch* sleep well and dream sweet
zenduck1961: g'night. <click>
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, October 19th, 2005

Subject:stuff
Time:2:09 am.
Mood: anxious.
Eyes of Isis: i think i'm having a crisis of faith
ashiko: ahh
ashiko: not thankful?
Eyes of Isis: i don't know. i just don't see the point.
Phoenix: hi yall
Eyes of Isis: the point in the statues, the trappings, the rituals.
ashiko: perspective
Eyes of Isis: hi phoenix
ashiko: hi hugs phoenix
Phoenix: hugs ash
Phoenix: how r y'all?
Eyes of Isis: i guess i am thankful, i just don't know who to be thankful to
Eyes of Isis: if that makes sense
Eyes of Isis: fine phoenix. you?
ashiko: well i don't think those thing critically neccessarysare
Eyes of Isis: huh?
Phoenix: doin' ok ty
ashiko: makes perfect sense to me
ashiko: all that stuff is just something to focus on
Eyes of Isis: maybe i'm making those things more important than the actual divine....or something
ashiko: i understand that
ashiko: watcha doing phoenix
Phoenix: may I ask what you are talking about?
Phoenix: taking a break from building
Phoenix: and web surfing
Eyes of Isis: i'm teaching this woman about paganism...um...right now about shields and visualization. i think i'm going about it wrong, though. i think i'm putting too much emphasis on candles and quarters and altars and not enough on feeling
ashiko: faith and the outward trppings and forms
Eyes of Isis: i think i'm having a crisis of faith, phoenix.
Phoenix: she needs the shields to protect herself
Eyes of Isis: yes, she does. but i think i'm making the trappings of ritual too important.
Phoenix: I think that is a pesonal thing
Phoenix: esp if you are a solitary witch
ashiko: i think that's why teaching is such a good thing to do sometimes you can take a fresh look at what you ar esaying
Phoenix: but I think people should learn abou tit
Eyes of Isis: i think you're right ash
Phoenix: learning is always good
ashiko: of course some teachers can become more entrenched in pedagogery
Eyes of Isis: i think that's what's happened with me
Eyes of Isis: i think i'm putting emphasis on ritual and objects too soon, and not....ugh, i don't know how to say what i need to say
ashiko: not really you might have started off doing that but now your questioning it back to bare wood
ashiko: not starting out with spirituality
Eyes of Isis: yeah...
Eyes of Isis: i've forgotten that ritual doesn't HAVE to be done, that it's not the only way to connect
Eyes of Isis: one can connect just by.....being
Eyes of Isis: i guess
ashiko: i believe divinity is flexible and accommedating
Eyes of Isis: i've been forgetting that. i've been getting rigid, and i think in so doing that i've made my perceptions of divine rigid
ashiko: so people do what they need to some require a great deal of ceremony
Eyes of Isis: i do like the ceremony. or i used to
Eyes of Isis: now it feels empty
Phoenix: I liked the one we had here in BW .. that was my first ..it was great with everyoen ther
Eyes of Isis: the mabon rit?
Phoenix: yes
Eyes of Isis: i wrote that last year, when i really felt it
ashiko: would you write it differently now?
Eyes of Isis: it didn't feel....the same....right....i don't know
Eyes of Isis: i don't know ash
ashiko: you feel that you could not write it the same
Eyes of Isis: i don't think writing it different would make a difference. i think the change is needed in me, not in ritual content.
Phoenix: life changes .. so rituals change also at times nothing is fixed ..we are all in motion in way or another
Eyes of Isis: to be truthful i didn't write a new ritual this year out of laziness. i told myself that last year's would do.
Eyes of Isis: i'm quite lazy
ashiko: hugs
Eyes of Isis: *hugs*
Eyes of Isis: but i'm glad everyone got something out of it
Phoenix: it was a nice ritual and it brought us all togerther and focused
Eyes of Isis: i'm glad of that
Phoenix: isn't that what it is supposed to do?
Eyes of Isis: yes
Eyes of Isis: *laughing at self* but isn't the writer supposed to get something out of it?
Phoenix: you didn't?
Eyes of Isis: honestly i don't know
ashiko: how about if you step back and just think of being
Eyes of Isis: lol i know why it's bugging me.
ashiko: gonna tell?
Eyes of Isis: last year i put my heart into it, made it a tribute to the divine, put my feelings out there for everyone to see. this year i didn't do that. i relied on old feelings, thinking that old feelings would be good enough.
Eyes of Isis: it comes down to laziness, and i feel ashamed and guilty for being lazy.
ashiko: well no need for you to be punished
Phoenix: not at all ..
ashiko: but now that you have punished yourself can you look ahead?
Eyes of Isis: lol we are best as punishing ourselves, aren't we?
ashiko: i know i've had my self flagellating episodes
ashiko: that almosrtt sounds dirty
Phoenix: lol
Eyes of Isis: lol
Eyes of Isis: thanks for listening you two, i so appreciate it.
ashiko: you have the whip phoenix give absolution
Eyes of Isis: lol
Phoenix: ???
ashiko: maybe a littl estocks and pillory would get it all out of your system
ashiko: you forget about the whip on your hip
Eyes of Isis: lol
Phoenix: what is wrong with a whip?
ashiko: nothing suggestting you use it
Eyes of Isis: he's telling you to whip me so i'll get over myself
ashiko: can i be next
Eyes of Isis: lol
Phoenix: sorry I don't raise my hand to another except in defens
Phoenix: lol
Phoenix: but I will loan it to u
Phoenix: gives the whip to ash
ashiko: oh well it's so hard to get women to do that these days
Eyes of Isis: that's another thing that's got me in knots. i live by the nonviolence attitude, or at least i thought i did.
ashiko: and
Eyes of Isis: i need to tell someone about this, because i'm so confused
Phoenix: I am not nonviolent that is why I choose not to hit .. I have had to learn control of my temper and emotions
ashiko: ok
Phoenix: ok eyes
Phoenix: ti does helptotalk
Eyes of Isis: the other night jamie and i got into an argument. i verbally attacked him over not watching rowan when he gave her a cup of milk, and he refused to accept responsibility
Eyes of Isis: i got into his face, not literally, but i wouldn't let it go, because him ignoring me, especially in his dismissive oh she's just being a typical immature female again attitude drives me nuts
Eyes of Isis: he told me to leave him alone, i screamed "no!" so he stormed outside. i reacted by locking all the doors.
Eyes of Isis: he got one of the windows open, it doesn't have a screen on it (it wasn't locked) and i went over to make him close it. grabbed his wrists to make him let go
Eyes of Isis: he yelled "don't you fucking try to pull my arms off!", grabbed my wrist and tried to pull me through the window. scrapped my shoulder.
Eyes of Isis: then he let me go and i knelt in front of the couch, more to try to get control than because it really hurt. then i locked all the windows in the house.
Eyes of Isis: his dad called a few minutes later to talk to him, and a few minutes after that i thought we'd calmed down enough and i let him in to use the phone
Eyes of Isis: ever since i haven't been able to sleep well, and i'm feeling incredibly guilty and ashamed and i think maybe, just maybe, i'm not sure, a little traumatized.
Phoenix: have you talked with him about it?
Eyes of Isis: a little. i told him not to feel guilty because it takes two to play
ashiko: di dyou tell yourself that
Phoenix: how did he feel about what happened?
Eyes of Isis: i guess not
Eyes of Isis: he's sorry, but it doesn't seem to be affecting him much. things just flow over him.
Phoenix: everyone reacts differently
Phoenix: did you discuss what could be done to prevent another instance escalating ?
Eyes of Isis: not really. i mean, i tried, but i got this sense that he didn't want to talk about it, that he's sort of fed up with my 'drama'
Eyes of Isis: maybe i'm projecting
ashiko: it sounds as if you went into it kind of preloaded emotionally and he should have dealt calmly and listened iknow i get tired of always being resposnible for defusing
Phoenix: are you on edge a lot?
Eyes of Isis: yeah
Eyes of Isis: mostly because i'm tired
Eyes of Isis: i'm an insomniac anyway, something he just dismisses by the way
Eyes of Isis: he seems to think i could sleep if i tried hard enough
ashiko: try harder lol
Eyes of Isis: :oP
ashiko: right
Phoenix: unfortunately that doesn't happen usually
Phoenix: have you tried relaxing liek in a warm bubble bath, with some nice candles, your favorite beverage , soft music
Eyes of Isis: i don't know how to make him understand that i don't like being tired, because it exacerbates my bipolar
Eyes of Isis: can't, we don't have the water to do that.
Phoenix: k can u do the candles and aroma therapy and find a comfy place by yourself
Eyes of Isis: i try meditating, i can't get my mind to slow down, i tried dancing on the lawn last night til i had to stop, to make myself physically tired, that didn't work, my brain was still going
Phoenix: right
Phoenix: have you tried looking at a candle flame or spot on th ewall and empty your mind ..just consantrate on that one spot ..
Phoenix: need to slow your mind down so it willlet your body get the rest it needs
Eyes of Isis: yes, two nights in a row. the minute i went to bed my brain fired up again
Phoenix: fix your thoughts on a spot on th eceiling or wall when in bed
Eyes of Isis: i go to bed 2, 3, 4 times a night. lay there each time for 30 mins to an hour, then get up again
Eyes of Isis: i do that too, hon. my brain won't slow down.
ashiko: yeah
Phoenix: have you tried to get lost in relaxato music?
Eyes of Isis: no
Phoenix: sometimes that can help
Phoenix: just try to becoem the notes of feel how they are
Eyes of Isis: i'm listening to music right now. granted, it's not slow and soothing, but it's not headbanging music either.
Phoenix: I find it easier to use instrumentals .. and let the music carry me off to where ever it goes ..
Eyes of Isis: i have to stop avoiding it. i have to get back on my meds.
Phoenix: I like ones that have nature sounds in them too liek wind or the sea or water or rain
Eyes of Isis: i don't have anything like that. but i do have a bit of loreena mckennit and some brahms
Phoenix: do your meds bother you a lot?
ashiko: i hated that feeling having to go bak on
Eyes of Isis: i got off my meds because they made my sex drive nonexistent and because i thought/hoped i could get along without them.
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) me too
Phoenix: if you have a cd writer u maybe able to d/l some midis or mp3s orm thenet
Phoenix: have you talked to your dr about it?
ashiko: they say that's the way it is
Eyes of Isis: no, i haven't seen the doc since i went of the meds, and yes he knows i'm off them
Phoenix: mayeb he could give you somethign that does n ot have that side effect
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) i hate having to depend on them
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) i hate spending so much money


Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) lol and i know the hating spending money comes from guilt, from thinking that if i were stronger i wouldn't need them
ashiko: they are so expensive
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) yes

ashiko: i get kind of weird when i don't take them


Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) me too. my emotions are......how to say it.....

Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) more intense, and closer to the surface

ashiko: it seems to me that everyone else becomes so unreasonable
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) yes

ashiko: it just starts to feel like evryone is getting in my face but they say that i am the confrontational one

ashiko: i just hate it feeling my perceptions couldn't be that off why do i always have to suck it up?
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) yeah, i totally understand

ashiko: but on the meds something's not right
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) and when people say you're overreacting you wonder......

ashiko: yeah
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) you wonder why you're the one who has to be in control, rather than them just being a little more responsible, a little less demanding


Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) no, you're right, something's not right on meds. it feels like something's missing.

Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) or like you're brain is encased in something that makes it sluggish

Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) or like something vital to you, something fundamental to you, something that makes you you, is missing or gagged

ashiko: yes so you go off them tryingto be responsible for your own happiness and everyone else makes a show about it
ashiko: and they tel you it's all you

ashiko: so your own sanity has shakey credibilty in your own mind

Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) yes

ashiko: iguess that doesn't offer much reassurance

Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) it helps to know i'm not alone
ashiko: cause it sure can feel lonely
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) oh yeah

ashiko: i had started drinking again don't go there
ashiko: haven't had a drop in a while now
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) no. the thought crosses my mind to drink so i can sleep, but i know that could easily lead to abuse
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) good for you hon!

ashiko: for me anyway i know that i shoud never drink again not socially not at all
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) i understand. my dad and stepfather are alcoholics.
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) and i have the genetics for it.

Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) i can feel within myself the weakness (for lack of a better way to put it) for becoming addicted.
ashiko: besides you don't get any rest when passed out
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) that's true


ashiko: well anytime hun just talk to me

Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) thanks. same to you.

ashiko: it helps to know you're there we should have kept it up when we were talking before

Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) yes. but....i can't speak for you, but me.......i often get wrapped up in wanting not to be a burden to anyone, in thinking that my self doubts aren't important, that if i were stronger i wouldn't need anyone

Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) that i shouldn't need anyone
ashiko: i should be strong enuf to deal alone

Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) yes
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) that i'm weak because i can't deal alone
ashiko: just like a stubborn male
Eyes of Isis: (to ashiko) stubborness isn't a male trait alone

ashiko: ooh definitly not








Eyes of Isis: (to Roseivy) i have something to copy and paste to you, and i want you to give me your honest input afterward, ok?
Roseivy: er...ok
Roseivy: *puts on honest cap*
Roseivy: i'm in yahoo if that's easier
Eyes of Isis: (to Roseivy) lol i know you'll be honest.....you know what i mean
Eyes of Isis: (to Roseivy) ok


redjuly29: Eyes of Isis: the other night jamie and i got into an argument. i verbally attacked him over not watching rowan when he gave her a cup of milk, and he refused to accept responsibility
Eyes of Isis: i got into his face, not literally, but i wouldn't let it go, because him ignoring me, especially in his dismissive oh she's just being a typical immature female again attitude drives me nuts

redjuly29: Eyes of Isis: he told me to leave him alone, i screamed "no!" so he stormed outside. i reacted by locking all the doors.
Eyes of Isis: he got one of the windows open, it doesn't have a screen on it (it wasn't locked) and i went over to make him close it. grabbed his wrists to make him let go
Eyes of Isis: he yelled "don't you fucking try to pull my arms off!", grabbed my wrist and tried to pull me through the window. scrapped my shoulder.

redjuly29: Eyes of Isis: then he let me go and i knelt in front of the couch, more to try to get control than because it really hurt. then i locked all the windows in the house.
Eyes of Isis: his dad called a few minutes later to talk to him, and a few minutes after that i thought we'd calmed down enough and i let him in to use the phone
Eyes of Isis: ever since i haven't been able to sleep well, and i'm feeling incredibly guilty and ashamed and i think maybe, just maybe, i'm not sure, a little traumatized.

redjuly29: that's it
roseivy55074: my honest opinion is i think you totally lost it.
roseivy55074: i'm sorry but it sounds like you over reacted. it escalated.
redjuly29: ok
roseivy55074: are you ok?
redjuly29: many answers come to mind. "yes" "no" "i don't know" "i want to be". none of them feel like the truth
roseivy55074: it's almost like you lost control of yourself while trying to control Jamie. that's...heavy...
redjuly29: i just wanted him to listen to me and stop dismissing me and take responsibility. i could have handled it better. then when he stormed out it was a combo of things. locking the doors was one, vindictiveness, two, a fear reaction, three, trying to calm down, four, hoping he would leave and not come back
redjuly29: and trying to close the window was one, vindictiveness, two, fear.
redjuly29: i'm glad he wasn't able to yank me through the window, because it would have gotten ugly. he would have had to really hurt me to stop me.
roseivy55074: you're both very high emotion i think.
roseivy55074: you a bit higher. lol
roseivy55074: ok here's the thing. you're both saying things, feeling things, without really listening
redjuly29: but i'm also afraid he wanted to do more than get me through the window. i fear that he wanted to hurt me. i know my fear doesn't make it true, but there's the fear none the less.
redjuly29: ok
roseivy55074: you said "take responsibility" he said "leave me alone" neither of you listened to the other
roseivy55074: fear is not good no matter the situation.
redjuly29: i need to get back on my meds, don't i?
roseivy55074: yes
roseivy55074: frankly, yes.
roseivy55074: you're in the self torture stage again and i don't like to see you like that. you're feeling things too deeply, losing sleep, etc.
redjuly29: and crying
roseivy55074: yes
roseivy55074: the milk thing was just a spark. it wasn't really a big issue but look at how it escalated
redjuly29: it escalated because i've been feeling dismissed, ignored and unequal lately.
roseivy55074: not to defend jamie's actions but he really said what he felt. "leave me alone" perhaps he wasn't dismissing you and really meaning to say "i'm in no mood for this today." discuss without attacking
redjuly29: he's rarely in the mood to listen to me
redjuly29: but maybe my approach is wrong
roseivy55074: well it's hard being cooped up at home all the time
redjuly29: and he's been working 6 days a week, which is hard on both of us.
roseivy55074: before i realized mine and cory's relationship was dead, i did similar. i would attack him with things when he came home...i didn't know i was transferring all my stress to him. i found a way to blame him for everything that was bugging me.
redjuly29: thank you
roseivy55074: *hugz*
roseivy55074: i hate to see you unhappy
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, September 30th, 2004

Time:11:51 pm.
loon_spirit: so.. umm.. are you coming in under another name as well?
eyes_of_isis: no
eyes_of_isis: i've been in another chat program
loon_spirit: the one you told me about.. how is that going?
eyes_of_isis: it's going well, the world is almost finished. we don't have a lot of people visiting us right now, but that'll change once we get the word out
loon_spirit: snowballs help
eyes_of_isis: yeah
loon_spirit: things going well otherwise?
eyes_of_isis: eh
eyes_of_isis: how're you?
loon_spirit: just trucking along
eyes_of_isis: that's cool
loon_spirit: eh does not sound like .. amazingly good
eyes_of_isis: i've been better
loon_spirit: what's up?
eyes_of_isis: i'm bipolar and trying very hard not to lose my mind right now..........with that said, the tone of CC doesn't help lol
loon_spirit: I did not know you struggled with bipolarism.. that is quite a thorn in the side
loon_spirit: I have wondered how you are often... you seem more stable than most in here
eyes_of_isis: not many know. it's not like i run around saying "HI! my name is val and i'm bipolar which means i get a little psychotic from time to time but just please ignore me when that happens. how're you?"
eyes_of_isis: lol thanks
loon_spirit: *s... well... if you have ever been psychotic around me.. I have not noticed
loon_spirit: you're pretty cool
eyes_of_isis: thank you
loon_spirit: do you take something for it?
eyes_of_isis: it's easy for me to hold it in check when i'm around people who are willing to be understanding
eyes_of_isis: i didn't see anything you said after "you're pretty cool"
loon_spirit: I have many friends who are bipolar..
eyes_of_isis: oh, ok
eyes_of_isis: no, i don't take anything for it. it's near to impossible for me to get to a doctor right now
loon_spirit: I seem to attract them.. one friend of mine was a companion going to visit members of the church and support them in the home
loon_spirit: he called me one night to tell me he was on his way over
loon_spirit: and I waited... for hours
loon_spirit: finally he called me
loon_spirit: he went to visit his parents in a city 10 hours away.. just decided to do it on his way over to get me
loon_spirit: we had a pretty good laugh about it.. and went on
eyes_of_isis: i'm sorry, i'm trying to grasp why that's funny. you must have been worried
loon_spirit: I was worried at the time... and called several people trying to find him
loon_spirit: even the police to see if there had been an accident.. but afterwards.. we just talked about it.. and.. to us it just meant.. that we learned to live with it as part of our friendship
eyes_of_isis: ok
eyes_of_isis: that's great of you
eyes_of_isis: really
eyes_of_isis: the tough part is accepting it within yourself
loon_spirit: yes.. I think that is what many people struggle with.. that there is an individual difference.. that sets you apart...
loon_spirit: but... as you said... if you surround yourself with supportive understanding people... that are aware and love you despite the difference.. then you can feel more secure in that difference
loon_spirit: one friend of mine lives in san diego... she has been struggling...
eyes_of_isis: i guess i have fallen down in that respect, then
loon_spirit: can you reframe that comment?
eyes_of_isis: i don't seem to have surrounded myself with supportive understanding people
loon_spirit: I don't see ity as fallng down.. but self-protecting... because not everyone is willing to provide that understanding
loon_spirit: and.. that is a highly adaptive skill
eyes_of_isis: sorry, just thinking
loon_spirit: what's on your mind eyes?
eyes_of_isis: too much to fit into a chat box
loon_spirit: take your time...
eyes_of_isis: i feel empty
eyes_of_isis: there's a hole inside me that doesn't seem to fill, or if it does it doesn't stay filled long
eyes_of_isis: i'm angry
eyes_of_isis: and i'm crying and i feel burdonsome
eyes_of_isis: this feeling, i haven't even scratched the surface in describing it, happens like clockwork, once a month
eyes_of_isis: everyone i know is sick of it
eyes_of_isis: but i wonder if they ever think that I'm sick of it, more sick of it than they could possibly be.
eyes_of_isis: it's really sad that i must pour my heart out to near-perfect strangers, because the people who supposedly love me don't care and don't want to hear it.
eyes_of_isis: i'll see you later. thanks for making an effort.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:11:29 am.
what right does he have to expect me to look forward to him coming home when he disregards me and my feelings while he's gone? i'm nearly to the point of telling him that i don't care what he does as long as he stays out of my face and my business. is that not sad? i've always had the idea that when two people married they're individual concerns became part of both of them. is that not also sad?

this is pathetic.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, September 8th, 2004

Time:12:54 am.
redjuly29: i should head to bed
zenduck1961: me too. it's an early day tomorrow.
redjuly29: rowan's been asleep for about half an hour and........well, i don't have to get up early, i don't have a life, soooo....
zenduck1961: hope i've been a little help
redjuly29: you've been a humongous help
zenduck1961: excellent!!!
redjuly29: seriously, you have.
zenduck1961: good. you know i love you madly, right?
redjuly29: i now have a purpose. it isn't a pleasant one, but it's better than sitting here staring at a wall letting those voices fuck me up
zenduck1961: right
redjuly29: yes. i love you too. that's one constant in my life.
zenduck1961: that will never change, lady
redjuly29: that doesn't mean i'm schizophrenic does it?
zenduck1961: no. you're not
redjuly29: ok good
zenduck1961: sometimes, with severe depression (and post-partum depression) sometimes there are auditory symptoms. it just means the internal churning is pretty bad and turning on itself.
redjuly29: ok
redjuly29: it's not an auditory thing. i'm not actually 'hearing' voices.....it's just.....i dunno...
zenduck1961: no i get it. you have thoughts that seem to turn in on themselves ... strong impressions that come out of nowhere (am i right)?
redjuly29: yes, the thoughts turn on themselves
redjuly29: and the visuals don't help
zenduck1961: i understand that one. basically you're thinking so hard in a box that the thoughts are (ricochetting?)
redjuly29: yes
zenduck1961: yup. understand that one.
redjuly29: and there's nowhere for them to go so it translates to physical energy overload.......i.e. pacing, throwing things, yelling, etc?
zenduck1961: right. it's like speaker feedback
redjuly29: christ
zenduck1961: does that paint it right?
redjuly29: yes
redjuly29: i wish it didn't
zenduck1961: well, one of the best ways of controlling this is to start solving the problems ... even taking action instills a sense of control since you're not at the mercy of these things.
redjuly29: i despise feeling helpless
zenduck1961: it may take time but action will put them under control and take care of business
zenduck1961: right. so take control and be methodical and patient and understand that there will be obsticals, delays, and small frustrations along the way. but i totally believe in you (really)
redjuly29: i'm not the epitomy of patience....that scares me
redjuly29: thank you
zenduck1961: i think, if i believed in the devil, i'd say the big weapon would be convincing people that they were powerless and mediocre
redjuly29: YES!
zenduck1961: so, if you dont cave into that, then those things have no power over you. which they don't. but they do have the power of giving you the illusion of powerlessness.
redjuly29: yes
redjuly29: i completely understand that, believe it or not.
zenduck1961: sweet! it's easy to loose sight of sometimes.
redjuly29: indeed
zenduck1961: that's why we have people on IM's late at night to remind us. as you will remind me too at some point (wait...you've done that a lot in the past .... ah, synchronisity...don't you love it?)
redjuly29: yup
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Monday, September 6th, 2004

Time:7:25 pm.
Mood: crazy.
why do i feel like a caged animal? why do i feel so god damn crazy? why is there this need in me to quite literally throw my life out the window? true, it lies dormant most of the time, but then triggers hit me. this morning i woke up with this feeling of doom hanging over my head, and as the day wore on it only got stronger, more insistent, even though i did my best to shake it off, ignore it, pretend it wasn't there. i could feel it in the deep, dark corners of my mind, whispering with the dry slithering of sound that scales might make sliding across a dusty wooden floor, making the hairs on the back of my head stand on end. i won't pretend to be surprised by this whispering in the back of my mind that slowly turns into a low voice that seems to sit just behind my left or right ear, seems to be separate from me though i know it's not, telling me there's only one way to end this frantic, frenzying, all too often flashing and ripping tearing battle within me. there's only one way. it's insistent, and terribly persuasive. it cajoles, and wheedles, and tells me in a voice dripping with understanding and sympathy that i do have the means to end all things. but another part of me fights it, argues with it, gives it all the pat answers that someone who's supposed to love life would give. but the answers are stale, meaningless, and i know it, so there's another part arguing. and a third part that's cropped up, soiled, desolate, terrified, sitting in a corner small and scared and lonely just hoping, waiting for an end, any end as long as it stops so it can go back to innocence and peace and happiness. then there's the core me who just watches all this in fascinated horror, wondering which part of me is going to win, or if it will yet again come to an impasse.

i thought i fought it well. i thought i had that first voice, if not silenced, at least gagged, so even if i could still hear it's murmurings, at least i couldn't understand what it was saying. but the doom i felt since i woke up became heavier, grew darker, lowered itself over and wrapped itself around me so it seemed that i was looking out of a darkly grey fog at a small hole of light that was shrinking, shrinking, to be finally left alone with my voices.

but then the day dragged on, the baby became more agitated, wanted more and more attention, needed more and more from me, the house still sits here with it's neverending messes, nothing picked up or cleaned up because my internal struggle wouldn't allow for more than the mechanical routine of being sure of the baby's physical health is assured, the hours limped by with no jamie coming home, and i could feel the gag on that voice working loose, and i wanted it to work loose, i wanted to hear what it had to say, i wanted it's reasoning and dark logic, it's whispered ways of ending the Fear, it's gentle prompting toward oblivion. to hear anything other than the mindless blather of yet another stupid movie, or feel the touch of something other than my own fat skin jiggling over my bones. so i let the gag slide down, even with the little dirty me whimpering in the corner because it was starting again. i couldn't stand that whimpering, didn't want to feel it's shivers and it's tears welling up. so i paced, and paced, and became frantic. i threw the walker across the room. it landed on the couch. that wasn't satisfying, and certainly didn't end the hurtling train of red rage i could feel welling up inside me. so i threw it again. that didn't help. pacing and muttering to myself, i screamed at one point, then paced, kicked the baby's new walker across the kitchen and one of the wheels fell off. that stopped me for a moment. i put the wheel back on. that gave me pause long enough to calm myself enough to see what the baby was doing in her room.

blurring motion. things running together. time standing still and speeding up at the same time. i took the baby into my bedroom with some crackers. she ate a few. played a bit. i could feel my eyes going to the gun in the cabinet next to the bed. i could feel my fingers flexing. i could hear something inside me saying "no, not yet. the baby. the baby has to be somewhere else first" another something saying, "no, that doesn't have to happen. things will be better. just give it a few moments. things will be better." on and on, whispering, first the weasel voice, then the dirty child with new strength voice. the dirty child who's never strong enough, fast enough, smart enough, loud enough to fight the other voices, but seems to be strong enough now.

jamie came home and i could feel something snap. something terrifying welled up and out of the depths of me too fast to catch and put a strangle hold on it. that first weasel voice is suddenly screaming at me. i go into the bathroom to try to do anything to keep from lashing out. i'm vibrating. i can feel something happening.

suddenly i'm up, frantic, desperate, needing jamie to listen, needing him to see those other people inside me, needing him to take care of the little soiled one, to bash the weasel into permanent silence, to put a chain on the one who flies into a red rage, to reason with the one who's so logically sided with the weasel about the gun, to help the me that he knows and loves to deal with the other me's who are trying to kill me, end me, drive me permanently away from sanity, send me into nonexistence. but at the same time i'm ashamed of that need for help, so i grab at the first weapon i find and lash out with it. i bitch at jamie about being alone all day, about him being late, about how he's always breaking promises. i can't get him to see the desperation, all he sees is me being a bitch again. he can't see it, or doesn't want to. i become more frantic, i can't help it, i'm so terrified that the second he leaves with the baby i'm going to take the gun, run into the woods and shoot myself in the head. i see myself flying from desperate begging to imperious demanding, constantly pushing in a sad and disgusting little attempt to get him to read what i've already written, knowing if i slow down enough to try to explain a little bit he'll just leave because all he can see is him having a hard day and needing to eat, and he can't see how terrified i am of myself. he finally loses it at screams in my face that he just wants me to leave, that he's sick of me, that he wants me gone. i can feel the spittle flying from his mouth and hitting my face. i can hear the voices jabbering in the back of my head. the core me realizes the voices have left off the fight with ending my life in favor of this fight with jamie. they're eating it up, lapping it up, taking in the negative energy of it and using it to make themselves stronger.

everything else is a terrifying blur. nothing bad outwardly happened, i know that much, but.....


goddess help me. someone help me.
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Subject:trapped
Time:5:43 pm.
Mood: crazy.
where do i start? the last time i wrote i believe i was feeling just as lunatic and suicidal as i do now. christ, even saying that i feel like someone's going to pop up any second and say "stop being so melodramatic. you're only like this because you're being manipulative".

fuck ya all.

or to put it in the montana patois........ fuck all you sheep-fuckin bastards.

that's right! MONTANA! the place i was raised! the place, like it or not, where my roots reside! deal with it you selfish, unseeing bastards!

even as i read that there's someone in the back of my mind chuckling at the dark amusement of it all. "aw, isn't val's venting just so cute? crawl into a shadowy corner, be small and don't make any sudden moves and she'll be back to her normal self in just a bit".

i know that voice is there, because you're all out there, and you all laugh at me, and think i'm just a cheeseball little maniac who goes off the deep end for the drama of it all. "don't worry, her words may hurt, but she's really harmless. we can do anything, say anything, but in the end she's defenseless. she won't fight back because she's too chickenshit, too NICE when it comes down to the wire".

again, fuck ya all. i hate all of you. all of you with your empty words of encouragement, your useless overtures of sympathy, your meaningless attempts at false empathy. i'm SICK TO DEATH of words that mean nothing. all you do is yap yap yap, but when it comes down to it, are you here, with me, in this stinking, steaming hole where nothing happens to show the passing of the day except the slow, painful limping of the fog-glazed sun across the sky; the blinking of the fucking microwave to show that the power went out yet again; the baby needing yet another bottle, yet another diaper change, yet another bath; this goddess forsaken house in constant need of cleaning because the messes are neverending? this slow eating away of soul and sanity for the sake of a 'happy healthy home', for the sake of 'family', for the sake of 'the baby'? is anyone here to watch the struggle to be someone in a place where being someone can't happen? where being someone in a way that counts to ME means nothing to anyone else, and means leaving everything behind? being alone and lost without anywhere to turn because you're the only person you know who's allowed herself to slip into the sewage drains of the mediocre, the unknown, the desolate, the squelching, festing stinkpot of "being a good mom and housewife"? screaming into the god-fucking-forsaken endless sound of crickets or whatever the hell those insects are that have no business singing in the middle of the day just to hear anything other than the silence reverberating inside your head? pacing pacing pacing and pacing some more with no hope of being able to get anywhere, feeling the tension build to a crescendo that can only be broken by the satisfying shattering of a glass thrown at a concrete well but knowing that the crescendo must must MUST be cut off before exquisite climax and sweet surrender to the drifting of satisfied letting of animal energy for the sake of 'responsibility to self and the baby'?

fuck all of you with your busy lives and your ability to go anywhere and do anything after a 'hard day's work'. fuck all of you with your ability to hit a bar and get drunk off your asses, maybe hit on a few cute men or women who have your same ability with no thought for me stuck up here with the responsibility of a baby. fuck all of you for having no thoughts of me before reading this, and fuck all of you for your consequent guilt, and fuck all of you for your righteous anger at my selfish outburst.

fuck all of you. but most of all, fuck me.
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Wednesday, July 7th, 2004

Time:8:51 pm.
he's allowed to buy goats, but i'm not allowed to rack up a phonebill calling my friends?

last i checked, his farm isn't a goat farm, it's a cattle farm.

last i checked, all my friends and family live at least two hours from me.

true, the woman who owned the goats has WAY too many animals and it would be nice to have goat's milk.

true, i was badly frightened by my own thoughts of suicide and needed to talk to my friends and family.

seems that we don't see eye to eye on a thing or two.
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Time:3:25 pm.
why do i have to be manipulating him when i tell him i'm trying to stay alive? why can't it be that i'm scared out of my wits and hoping PRAYING for some support and encouragement? why can't it be that i'm hoping he'll say he may or may not understand, but he'll try to help me through it? why can't it be that i've told him i'm trying to stay alive because i trust him more than i trust no other person on earth? why doesn't he understand that it rips me apart to even NEED to tell him i'm trying to stay alive? does that make sense? isn't telling him i'm trying to stay alive SO much better than saying i want to kill myself?
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Time:12:51 pm.
i'm so frightened of so many things. that jamie doesn't love me, even though he says he does. that one day he'll realize i'm not good enough for him. that he's already realized it. that one day rowan will know me for who i truly am and hate me. that sierra resents and hates me. that catie will grow to resent and hate me, or if they don't that they'll both grow into it. that i'll allow my fear of their resentment and hatred to keep me closed to them. that i'll hurt someone and never be able to allow myself to open to them again out of shame. that i'll abandon all the people i love so they don't have to deal with my shit anymore. that i'll kill myself in a fit of hopelessness and despair and miss out on growing old with jamie, miss out on watching our kids grow up, miss out on just loving him, loving each other....

i'm SO scared

i think that might be what all my emotional shit comes to....my incapacitating fear. i'm exaggerating, you say? then why does it seem like jamie and i are growing apart rather than closer together. there's only one answer i can think of to that. my fears are stopping us. stopping ME. how can i expect him to continue to be open and honest and loving with me if i'm constantly paralyzed by my fears? how can i possibly expect him to want to stay with me if he has to duck because i'm losing it?

this just isn't right.

it's not fair to him, to the kids, or to me for me to be this way. it's just NOT.

fuck.
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Time:11:46 am.
i just called jamie at his granny's house. he didn't get in til after one this morning. says that's why he didn't call. he asked what i was up to, what i had been up to, and i told him i'd been trying to keep myself alive. there was a long pause and i said "you think i'm manipulating you, don't you?" he said "the thought had crossed my mind"

FUCK YOU!

how am i supposed to stay alive if my own husband thinks i'm ....what?......flipping out to control him??
GODS! i didn't even talk to him yesterday! i talked to OTHER people so HE WOULDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH MY SHIT! the ONLY reason i wanted to hear from him yesterday was to find out if me going to the doctor on friday would ruin his plans.

i don't know what to do

how can we stay together if he thinks i'm manipulating him?

how can we stay together if he's constantly on guard against me?

i'm supposed to be his wife, not his enemy. how can we stay together if he thinks i'm his enemy?

gods i love him. more than anything. i don't WANT to split up with him! i don't want it to be like this! i don't want to hurt and i don't want him to hurt! i want us to be happy! i want him to TRUST me. gods i want him to trust me.... it hurts so bad to know he thinks i'm manipulating him.

that gun is looking really good right now

gods help me
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Tuesday, July 6th, 2004

Time:7:02 pm.
the thought that keeps going through my mind is "he won't call, he hates me, he won't call...." on and on and on. it won't stop. MAKE IT STOP!
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Time:6:28 pm.
i just got off the phone with beth. for the second time today. the first time i called her because i was feeling suicidal and was scared. we talked for a bit, she had to go home so we agreed i'd call her again in half an hour. then i talked to rose for a bit. called beth back. we talked about all sorts of things. the thing that's really sticking with me is the bible story about mary and martha, lazarus' sisters who opened their home to jesus, and the story she told me in relation to that. the basic moral is to let people do what they need to do, and you do the things you need to do. or the one thing you need to do. i'm trying to figure out how to apply that to me and jamie. trying to place the things that belong to me in my box, leave the things that belong to him in his box (or wherever he happens to lay them), and build a box for the stuff that belongs to both of us.
i'm finding that it's not such an easy task.
it doesn't help that i'm quite frightened that he's going to ask for a divorce. beth asked me if i'm projecting my fears when i told her that. i probably am. but having that knowledge doesn't decrease the fear. in ways, it just creates new ones. like....how can i expect jamie to stay in a relationship with me and love me when i don't even love me? how can i expect him to understand me when i don't even truly understand me? what right do i have to ask him to TRY in this relationship when i'm constantly throwing my emotional bullshit into the fray?
i'm so scared.
i don't want to lose him. i DO NOT.
last night i called the suicide hotline after talking to rose (also after hanging up on jamie...gods i feel so bad about that) and getting her suggestion that i write down my thoughts and feelings. I called the hotline because while i was writing, the thought flashed into my mind that jamie might get (or be) fed up enough to ask for a divorce, the image that accompanied that thought and WOULD NOT go away was me going into the bedroom and shooting myself in the head with his rifle after he tells me he wants a divorce.
does that seem like cowardice?
i can tell you, the ONLY reasons i haven't shot myself yet are two in number. one, because i'm afraid the gun will go off while i'm in preparations and in a freakish accident shoot someone or something else that lives on this hill. Two, the gun will slip or the bullet won't go off in just the right way or i'll hold the gun in the wrong way and i'll end up doing irreparable damage that will keep me alive but retarded or paralyzed, creating yet more problems for everyone else, rather than just swiftly ending my life. wouldn't ANY of those scenarios be JUST PEACHY.
i'm scared, but at least i feel more solid now.
i just hope jamie calls like i asked his granny to ask him to do. he may not, because i told him last night that i don't want to talk to him again until i see his face. i need to talk to him, though. i need to let him know that i MUST get to the doctor soon. i need to let him know that the soonest appointment i can get to see the family doctor is friday early afternoon (that'll probably change by the time he calls....IF he calls. likely by the time i hear from him they won't even have THAT slot open anymore. i had to fight tooth and nail to get even that much...well, the nurse and i fought together to find it.)
gods, i hope he doesn't think i'm doing this just so i don't have to go to the family reunion. i WANT to go, but gods! how am i supposed to meet everyone else's needs AND stay alive?
i'll have a clearer picture of where to go and what to do once i talk to him.
yes, i know, i could just say "sorry honey, i know i said i'm going to the family reunion with you, but there's just one teensy little problem. i want to kill myself, in fact i'm very close to it, and the only way i can get the help i need without paying out the nose for going to the ER is if i stay behind. no, i'm not going to ask you to stay with me, because that would be selfish". yes, i COULD say that, but he's likely to think again that i'm playing the manipulation game. i hope in a way he doesn't call, cuz then i don't have to hear his resentment and anger and hurt over me ruining his vacation by staying home, then piling on top of that his resentment over me "wanting" to ruin his family reunion by getting help.
i need to stop because i'm getting frantic again. i don't KNOW that he's going to react in the way i've described, i'm just going on how he's been acting the last couple days since i decided to stay home so i could get myself together without burdening anyone else with my SHIT.
i'm ruining everyone's lives.
i'm so ashamed of myself.
i must say that i hate myself right now.
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